


About Love

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-29
Updated: 1999-04-29
Packaged: 2017-12-11 03:27:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First time - with only a little angst - and in the nicest possible way.<br/><b>Archivist note</b>: This story has been split into two parts for easier loading.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Due to length, this story has been split into two parts.

## About Love

By Jack Reuben Darcy

Author's homepage: <http://internetdump.com/users/angiet>

* * *

About Love - part one  
by Jack Reuben Darcy

Blair was tired. Exhausted. Washed out. Drained. Lack-lustre. Fatigued. Weary to his very bones. 

Each step he climbed towards the loft, he worked to find another word, another means of describing just how he felt. It was about the only thing he had left to him to prevent himself from collapsing to his knees and sleeping where he was. 

Worn out. Consumed. Emptied. 

Yeah. That part in particular. 

He didn't need to be a sentinel to smell it on himself. Thank god Jim was away until tomorrow. 

But then, that had been the plan, hadn't it? To wait until Jim was literally out of the way before he finally went ahead and did what he'd been wanting to do for a long time? 

And how long had it been? Some time in the last year? Maybe. Perhaps even longer. Perhaps even his whole life, now that he thought about it. But there had always been so many other things going on, so many distractions that it just got pushed aside in the gale that always surrounded him. Blown away, tumbled around, bruised and dusty. Now it had been tossed back at his feet, needing - no, requiring - he attend to it. Yeah, maybe a long time indeed. 

Of course, he hadn't been so foolish as to bring Dave back to the loft. No way. Who was to know if Jim would be back without warning. If a Guide couldn't have respect for his Sentinel's senses, who could? 

No. He'd been sensible. He'd gone to Dave's place. But now it was late and all he wanted was a shower and bed. To sleep this time. 

Finally reaching his door, he fumbled in his pocket for his keys. He felt a little odd, to be honest. Strange. Slightly out of himself. A lot like the day he'd first slept with a girl - as though he'd changed irrevocably with that one act. Of course, he hadn't - at least, not in any way that people would notice. So was this the same? This first night? The first time he'd gone to bed with a man? 

God, he'd been so scared at first. He and Dave had gone out a few times over the last weeks. Drinks at first, then Dave had cooked him dinner at his apartment. Dave was a lawyer, smart, well-read, wonderful body, genuine deep brown gaze in eyes Blair thought he might be able to drown in. 

Dave hadn't ever hidden the fact that he found Blair attractive, that their meetings were in fact, dates. He'd said it out straight, that first time. And for the first time in his life, Blair had accepted such an invitation, knowing full well where it all might lead, but knowing that, if it turned out he was wrong, if he really didn't want to do it, he could always back out. 

Tonight was the third time they'd been out this week. And every night this week, their evenings had ended with them on Dave's couch, wrapped around each other, kissing and getting very hot and bothered. 

The whole time, every moment he spent in Dave's company, Blair had felt like he was riding high on some kind of kite, skimming the wind, feeling it in his hair. From the beginning he'd kept expecting that at some moment, he would come crashing down to the ground and discover that his little experiment in male/male sex was a big mistake, that once he actually touched another man, found another man's hands on him, he would recoil, repulsed. 

But the kite had kept flying and Blair along with it. Each time with Dave, Blair had come closer to wanting more, taking more, gaining more confidence, gradually pushing against a barrier that he only half-acknowledged. Until tonight when he'd realised that they were already half naked and he didn't want to get dressed and just go home, that his raging hardness was so much more than simple curiosity and had an answer merely inches from him. 

And so he'd said yes to Dave and they'd lost themselves in pleasure. Dave had pressured him a little, but in the end, not taken anything he hadn't been ready to give - and Blair was grateful for that. There were indeed a lot of things he wasn't ready to do - but Dave had enjoyed what he could give - at least, four hours in bed seemed to suggest he might. 

A silly grin splashed across Blair's face as he pushed the key into the door. The loft was dark inside and he squinted at his watch. Four am. Jesus! Good thing he didn't have to work tomorrow. Give him time to clean up and wash his clothes before Jim returned from his conference. 

He tossed his keys into the basket, shrugged off his jacket and hung it up. No need to drop anything he'd have to pick up again tomorrow. 

Hey, maybe he was learning how to be neat? 

Not bothering with lights, Blair felt his way to the bathroom and stopped at the shadow he saw in the mirror. Happy with shadows, he simply looked at the face he'd worn all his life, looking for those little differences only he could see, the passage of the night's activities. The slightly swollen lips, the dull glazed eyes born of hours of sex, hair messed with urgent fingers tangled within it oops \- shirt on inside out! 

He grinned at himself and shook his head. Never done that before! Still, first time for everything. 

Yeah, first time. But would he? Would he let Dave 

Sure, he'd known Dave had wanted it - had said so. But this was the first time Blair had even got naked with a man. He wasn't so damned curious that he couldn't at least take a little time with this, enjoy it, make sure he wanted to take that last, all-permanent step. Especially when he wasn't sure exactly what he wanted. At least, not yet. He was not unhappy with what he'd done - but there were enough lingering doubts to encourage some caution. 

No, he'd been right to wait. Tonight had given him plenty to think about. Besides, Dave was away tomorrow for the next three weeks. Flying to New York for a big deal he was working on. Gave Blair plenty of time to miss him and decide what he could give Dave as a welcome home present - at least, that's what Dave had said as Blair had left him. 

Good god, he'd slept with a man! He'd actually done it - and although it hadn't been everything he'd hoped for, it had been enough to show himself that he would enjoy it. Perhaps when Dave came back he would be ready for more. Perhaps that remaining hesitation inside him would be gone, that niggling doubt that had stuck with him all the while he'd been with Dave. It had annoyed him a little - but not enough to stop him, to take him out of Dave's bed - so maybe it didn't have so much to do with the male thing as the Dave thing. 

But god, he was tired! 

With a contented sigh, he turned and trudged into his bedroom to collect his robe. Of course, the best thing about Jim not being back until tomorrow night was that he wouldn't see the completely shagged look on Blair's face. By then it would have worn off enough not to elicit some uncomfortable questions. 

Not that Blair really wanted to hide anything from Jim. After all, the man was his best friend. But Jim was terribly straight and although not apparently homophobic, Blair wanted to find the right moment to tell him - should he decide he wanted to continue seeing Dave - or any other men for that matter. 

Dave hadn't promised him anything. This wasn't the Great Love Affair of his life, he knew that - well, he assumed it, since he and love didn't exactly know each other too well. At least, he didn't feel any of the addiction for Dave he expected there to be if he was in love. So far, all he'd really felt was a burning physical desire and he was smart enough to know that couldn't replace love, wasn't all there was to love. As for anything else, well, he simply didn't know enough to say. Sure, they enjoyed each other's company and seemed to go well together in bed, but for all Blair knew, Dave might have forgotten all about him in three weeks. Truth was, Blair - at this moment - wasn't at all sure what he wanted from Dave, wasn't even sure he wanted to see Dave again. 

He switched on his bedroom light and cast about for his robe, not sure where he'd last left it. Maybe he wasn't learning to be neat after all. Oh well, couldn't risk giving Jim that satisfaction, could he? 

The thought made him giggle. Exhaustion was playing with his mind and silly little things kept him from his task - like wondering what Jim would say if Blair just came out and said, "Hey, Jim, screwed a great looking guy last night. Wanna hear all the details?" 

That made him laugh outright. Imagining the shocked expression on Jim's face as he worked against reality, trying to see Blair-hump-a-table-leg-Sandburg in bed with anything that wasn't 100% female. 

Boy, would that be a great way to finally break the no-sex-in-the-loft rule! 

Shaking his head, Blair began to whistle as he tossed clothes around looking for his bathrobe. After a while, he'd forgotten why he was looking for it. After all, Jim wasn't here so he didn't need to do the whole modesty thing, did he? Nope. Shower and bed, Blair, in that order. Now. 

Still smiling, he turned and headed back out into the kitchen to get a drink. All that sex had given him a thirst and one small beer would put him to sleep like a baby. He pulled the fridge door open, grabbed a bottle and planted it on the bench. He opened it, kicked the fridge door shut and headed towards the bathroom. 

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Sandburg!" 

Blair froze mid-sip. For long seconds he stood like that, unable to move, to turn and face the source of that deafening bellow. 

"Well? Answer me!" 

Out of the corner of his eye, Blair could see a shape standing at the top of the stairs and, forgetting everything else, Blair turned and looked up at one very pissed-off Sentinel dressed only in a pair of boxers. 

God, the man was gorgeous! Pity he was straight. 

"Sandburg! Have you gone deaf? What the hell are you doing crashing around in the middle of the night? Do you have any idea what time it is?" 

"Uh, sorry, Jim, I didn't think you'd be home until tomorrow. Er, what are you doing home?" In the semi-darkness, he could have sworn he saw Jim frown. Unthinking, he took a step forwards, hoping nothing was wrong. "Jim? You okay?" 

His suspicions were horribly confirmed the next moment as Jim's head tilted to one side - then suddenly the big man was storming down the stairs and right up to Blair. His expression was thunderous. 

"Sandburg? What the fuck have you been Shit! I don't believe this!" 

For a second - a very brief second, Blair didn't have a clue what Jim was talking about. But then, like Niagra, he fell over the precipice and into some very icy water. All his good mood rushed out of him in a whoosh of air. Instinctively, he backed away, some vague hope that the further he kept from Jim, the less of Dave Jim would smell on him. 

Vague - but vain hope. It was already too late. 

Jim reached out and grabbed his arm, fingers gripping him with vice-like strength. "Where have you been?" 

"Uh, Jim, man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were uh" 

"Where?" Jim leaned closer, took in a brief sniff then abruptly let go as though Blair were something repulsive. "Or should I say, with who?" 

"Look, Jim" 

"Answer me!" Jim bellowed again. 

This time however, Blair didn't have the energy for apologies and escape. Jim knew already - so why bother lying. Honesty was the best policy. He took in a deep breath and held tightly to his beer bottle. "His name's Dave" 

And that was as far as honesty got him. 

"Dave?" Jim sneered. "And where did you pick him up? Christ, Sandburg, I knew you slept around - but this? With a guy? Or have you been hiding this from me all along?" 

"No" 

"Like you expect me to believe that - with the lies you tell on a daily basis." Jim took another step closer, his eyes flaring with fury. "I thought we had some trust going here. But no, you have to wait until I'm out of town before you bring your your" he paused, making the next word into a dirty one, "boyfriend in here." 

Blair blinked in surprise - and shock and horror and a lot of other words he could have found if he had the time - which he didn't. One of the others he would have chosen, if he'd bothered, was anger. Yes, he was angry. Suddenly, completely and furiously. Jim had no right to question his honesty. He'd never lied - not like that - and most certainly not to Jim. 

Slamming his beer down onto the bench, Blair took a step forward, knowing the scent on his body would drive itself into Jim's senses. "I did not bring him here! But what if I had, eh? You're always telling me this is my home, too! What's wrong, Jim? Hate the thought of men sleeping together? Or hate the idea that I might have a life outside of you?" 

"A life?" Jim snapped back. "Call that a life? Getting it off with men? Yeah, right! More like none of your ladies could manage it tonight. I know you, Sandburg. Doesn't make any difference to you where or how you get it - just that you do!" 

"How dare you!" Blair took his turn at bellowing and god, it felt good. "What I do and who I sleep with are none of your business, Ellison! I don't vet who you share your bed with. You don't get a say in who I sleep with. Christ, Jim, we're not married! We're just partners, remember? Work? Sentinel? Guide? God, who the hell do you think you are?" 

Jim's jaw clenched so tight Blair was worried he'd start breaking teeth. "The man who owns this loft, that's who. And I'm not about to put up with you bringing a string of men" 

"Fucking hell, Ellison! Who said anything about a string? What do you take me for? God, you must really think I'm a slut if you think" 

"What, are you going to tell me this Dave is the love of your life?" 

Blair raised his arms in sheer frustration, "It's none of your goddamn business, Jim! Just get the fuck out of my personal life!" 

"And you can get the fuck out of my loft!" 

With a gasp, Blair stepped back, his mouth open and not working for a second. His stomach lurched, his eyes going wide. "What?" 

"You heard me," Jim snapped, his voice gritted with determination. "Get out. Pack up. Go find yourself somewhere else to live. I've put up with this shit for long enough." His eyes spitting fury, Jim shook his head and turned. "You have twelve hours, Sandburg. Leave your keys." 

With that, he stormed back upstairs leaving Blair stunned and immobile. Like a zombie, he wandered into the bathroom for that promised shower. But for long minutes he couldn't bring himself to do anything but stand there and count the seconds. Hoping, praying, that Jim would return and shout something through the door, something that had anything to do with him taking it back. 

Leave? 

Leave Jim? 

But Jim stayed silent and, getting cold now, Blair turned the water on, stripped off his clothes and washed himself without giving it a single thought. Every one he had left was centred on the man upstairs. The man he would never see again. 

* * *

Jim woke with a shattering headache. For minutes on end, he simply laid in bed, his eyes squeezed tight against the glare from the skylight, hoping it might just go away. He hated morning headaches. They stuck with him all day, refusing to shift no matter how many painkillers he took. 

This one was proving the rule rather than the exception. With a groan, he rolled over and sat on the side of the bed, opening his eyes gingerly to glance at the clock. Midday. At least he'd caught up on some sleep. Probably had too much if the headache was anything to go by. 

He brought both hands up to rub over his face and then, because he knew he'd have to do it some time, he extended his hearing down through the loft, seeking out the heartbeat he'd thought he'd known so well. 

Nothing. Blair wasn't in the loft. But where was he? 

Jim got to his feet, pulled on some sweatpants and lumped down the stairs, heading for kitchen and coffee. He had the water on, his cup out and was on the way to the bathroom before he noticed anything. That's when he came to a stop. 

Slowly he looked around, frowning for a second. Had the place been broken into while he'd slept? Why were so many things missing? But what, exactly? The TV stood where it usually did, the stereo sat untouched. What idiot broke into a loft to steal if he only took stuff people didn't notice. 

But Jim had noticed - even if he couldn't put a finger on exactly what had been taken. He began to swear something about how even cop's places got done over these days when something else occurred to him. In one swift movement, he strode to the door of Blair's bedroom and came to a halt. 

There was the bed, as it had always been. And the bookcase. The desk. 

But everything else was gone. 

Everything. 

Gone. 

Including Blair. 

"Oh, fuck!" 

Jim sank against the wall, shaking his head. The movement sent a shiver of pain from his right temple down to his jaw, making him wince. 

Blair had gone. Not just out for the day, or in to work or something completely innocent. No. Somehow, some time since their fight at four am, Blair had packed up everything he owned and moved the whole lot out - and Jim hadn't heard a thing. 

He'd given Blair twelve hours. Seemed Blair hadn't needed that long. 

Well, damn him, and good riddance. 

Gritting his teeth, Jim stormed into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He stripped off and let the water soothe his body, encouraged it to work at his headache. The water was long cold before he gave up and got out. 

The coffee was ready and he poured himself a cup, taking it to the table. He pulled out a chair and sat. For long minutes, he just listened. To the silence. To the emptiness. To the peace. To the silence. 

After an hour, he'd had plenty. His coffee was cold, his rear numb and his senses were threatening a complete shutdown because the damned pounding in his head wasn't going away. He tossed the coffee out and instead drank three large glasses of water. Blair had once told him that most headaches were caused by dehydration. 

A few seconds later, he began to believe. A few more minutes and he was swearing at his absent partner. Shortly after that, he dressed and headed out to the gym. 

* * *

Blair laid on his hard floor and gazed up at the ceiling. He desperately needed sleep but, after two hours lying here, it still avoided him. He could hear Sally out in the kitchen, trying to be quiet so he could get some rest. He wanted to yell out that she shouldn't bother - but then she'd just come in and ask if he wanted to talk some more. And he did. And he also wanted to cry. And shout. And pull things apart. And throw some stuff that was very breakable. Preferably against something that was the opposite. 

So he didn't call her and kept all his possessions in tact. At least for the moment. 

If he'd thought his body was wasted last night, today was even worse. It hadn't taken him that long to pack all his stuff - but lugging it downstairs and into the Volvo had really taken it out of him. Especially when he kept bumping into things, not looking where he was going. Distracted. Yeah. Distracted by the most ridiculous thing he could imagine. 

Jim had thrown him out. Not just out of the loft, but out of his life. And why? Because Blair had admitted to sleeping with a guy. 

Unwillingly, he let out a sob and curled up with his face buried into a pillow. His guts felt like they were full of lead, his head was spinning with exhaustion, his body racked with aches and pains and he couldn't even fall into the blissful peace of sleep. 

In that moment, a thread of hate ran through him. 

How could Jim do that? After three years together? After everything? Was that what friendship was about? One wrong move and you're out? He'd thought they'd got past all that stuff. 

But this was different. This wasn't about something that Blair had done. It was about something that Blair was. Something that wasn't going to change. Something that Jim couldn't stand being around. 

Sure, it was okay to support gay rights from a distance - but the moment you found it in your own home, you just have to get rid of it, pretend it doesn't exist, pretend your best, closest, best friend of your whole life, your damned guide, damn it, your Shaman, your spiritual guide, your damned fucking friend - just isn't worth the effort any more because he suddenly and inexplicably goes out and spends a night in bed with a guy. 

Yeah, fuck! 

Blair shut his eyes and pulled the pillow to cover his face completely, hoping that he might suffocate himself enough to pass out. Was about the only way he could stop the hot tears from falling down to wet the linen. 

He'd never felt so damned miserable in his whole life. 

* * *

Jim wandered about. All day, in fact. Like he'd lost something. Of course, he knew he had - but he continued wandering largely because he found the feeling completely weird. So weird that he just had to know it all, from beginning to end, from inside to out. He got home from the gym, showered, changed, tried watching TV for a while, tried doing some housework, tried doing some shopping, working out something to have for dinner. Eventually, dispirited - but knowing he couldn't avoid it - he went down to the station, all the while hating himself that he didn't have enough of a life on his own to do anything else. 

Couldn't stay at the loft any longer. It still smelt too heavily of Blair - and scent of Blair reminded him of what else he's smelt last night. 

Not what, who. 

Blair? With a man? 

And he'd reeked with it, too. It hadn't just been a casual pull or anything relatively innocent like that. No, it had been full on, hours' long sex. And Blair had enjoyed it so much that he'd come home with a happily just-shagged look on his face, whistling, those blue eyes glittering with his recent memories and his shirt inside out. 

Surprised to see Jim back early. Not planning to see him. Not planning to tell him. Hiding from Jim such an important thing in his life. 

Jim sat at his desk for hours, pretending to look up some files. Fortunately, Simon wasnt around or he'd have asked what was wrong \- or worse still, where was the kid. 

"I kicked him out, Simon. Please, go ahead and revoke his status. He won't show his face around here again. Why? Well, because he's because I because he's he was" 

Oh, fuck! 

Jim planted his elbows on the desk and buried his face in his hands. 

Three years. 

Three years. 

One day. 

Twelve hours. 

Just twelve hours without Blair nearby and already the pain was excruciating. His skin felt like it was overstretched across his bones, threatening to split and leak his flesh out into the air. His eyes had steel casings around them, clunking every time he blinked. Everything he ate and drank tasted bitter and foul no matter how much sugar he put into it. Words spoken, simple noises of the day clattered in his head, like a Chinese opera only much louder and way less musical. 

And there was a lump of something bubbling in the depths of his stomach; not physical and yet insisting that it was. A need no amount of exercise had extinguished. 

He had to get Blair back. 

The worst part of it was, he had no idea where Blair had gone. Couldnt go after him and apologize, grovel, get down on his hands and knees and beg forgiveness for being an Everest-rated, card-carrying idiot. 

But maybe he knew where Blair might go tomorrow. Monday. Tomorrow Blair would be at work and then Jim could see him. 

Suddenly he sat up, switched his computer off and headed out without a word to anyone. He got home in record time and proceeded to clean the loft from top to bottom, paying particular attention to Blair's room. It was squeaky clean and ready for the kid to return by the time he collapsed into bed, exhausted but buoyed by some small shred of hope. 

Only when the lights were out did his hope turn to despair. Blair would never forgive him. Not for last night. 

But he had to try. He just had to. Because he knew after a day of weird wandering - he really didn't have a life without his guide. Nor did he want one. 

* * *

Blair was juggling books as he turned into the corridor. Struggling to keep them piled as he fished for his office keys, he didn't notice the figure waiting for him at first. But then he stopped, his gaze rising slowly until it encompassed the entire solid figure of Jim Ellison, leaning against the wall outside his door, waiting with the patience of the pyramids - and built of the same stuff. 

Yeah, Jim was probably about the very last person Blair had expected to see standing there waiting for him. As their gazes met, Jim came away from the wall and held his hands out ready to help with the books. Blair was too stunned to stop him, too thrown by the sudden tumbling in his stomach. Instead, feeling a little like he'd stepped from one episode of The Twilight Zone into another without an accompanying script to follow the plot, he unlocked his door and moved into his office. 

"Where do you want these?" Jim asked, standing in the doorway as though he was expecting Blair to make a run for it. 

"Uh, just dump them anywhere you can find space." Blair was nervous and he knew Jim knew he was nervous but that didn't stop him from trying to hide it. He stepped back as Jim came up to his desk and placed the books carefully on top of a pile of other stuff. Then Jim moved back to the door, closing it carefully. Blair couldn't look at him, his heart racing, unwilling to get into another shouting match and yet, stupidly unwilling to let Jim go. "Look, what do you want, man? I have a class in ten minutes." It was a lie - but Jim wasn't to know that. 

"Yeah, I guessed as much." Jim murmured, glancing around the room. "Didn't realise you were so busy on Mondays. I've been standing out there for a couple of hours. Didn't want to disturb you." 

"Well?" Blair was swinging wildly between wanting to slap Jim's face and bursting into tears. He didn't like his odds at avoiding either. 

Jim's roving gaze came to a halt on the floor at his feet. He shuffled them a bit, shot a glance at Blair then down again. "Look, I just came to talk. I promise, I won't shout." 

"To talk?" 

"No, not really. I mean, yes, but really what I wanted to do was apologize." 

Blair blinked in surprise. Something really stupid lifted itself off Blair's heart and he wanted to jump up and down - but he instantly clamped down on the urge. He wasn't that silly. Not yet, at least. "For what?" 

"For yelling. For jumping to the wrong conclusions. For invading your privacy. For" 

"Yeah?" 

"For kicking you out. I'm sorry, Chief. I mean that." Jim's gaze met his again, full of sincerity, genuine regret - and something else Blair couldn't name right then and there. 

But Blair wasn't about to let go so easily. Not when he could still feel that pit of black pain sitting in his belly. This wasn't exactly some faint disagreement they'd had. This difference was fundamental and required something more than a simple apology. "So?" 

"SoWhat?" 

"So why did you?" 

A grimace flashed across Jim's face and was gone. "I don't know. I left the conference a day early because it was too damned noisy for me. I got home to an untidy loft and went to sleep annoyed. Then I woke up angry with the noise you were making. And then I got the scent of him on you and hell, Chief, I was surprised, alright?" 

"No, it's not alright!" Blair snapped, letting his anger get the better of him. Yes, he needed Jim to see how angry he was, how hurt. Really needed that. "I don't go around surprising you with stuff so you can throw me out of a place I've lived in for almost three years. If nothing else, you should have called to tell me you were going to be home early." 

"I know, I know. I'm not saying it was justified. I'm just trying to explain well, okay, I can't explain it. But" 

"But what?" Blair stood with his backside against his desk, his arms folded, giving Jim every opportunity to read his body language however he wanted to. 

"But I am sorry and I wish you'd come back." 

Blair caught in a breath and held it. Jim wasn't telling him to come back, wasn't even asking - no, he was virtually pleading. "Why?" 

"Hell, Blair, I'm sorry, okay? Really sorry. I couldn't be sorrier. I behaved like an asshole and you have every right to be angry and never speak to me again - but I did mean it when I said the loft was your home too. I promise I'll never kick you out again. Hell, I'll even sign a legal document to that effect. Please, Chief, come home." 

Blair stared at him, at the hunched shoulders, the dejected cast to the pale blue eyes. Yeah, Jim was sorry. Jim really wanted him to come back. What was really good about that small point was that Blair really wanted to go back, too. But only if Jim wanted him. Jim did \- and Blair did and those two simple facts bent seriously towards unwinding some of the terrible anger wrapped around his guts. 

Suppressing a sigh, Blair glanced away. Truth was, he'd never expected Jim to throw him out in the first place - but this apology, this plea for him to return was both so like Jim and so not. And that thought almost made him laugh because Jim had thrown him out because he'd revealed something to date held secret - and now Blair was ready to return because Jim had done the same. So typical of them both, really. A little give, a little take, the odd explosion, the inevitable reconciliation. All part of their friendship, all part of the real way it was. All part of what made them the close friends they were. 

"Chief?" 

Something gentle inside Blair melted with that quiet plea and without realizing it, he found himself nodding. "Okay, okay. Yeah, I'm angry \- and we'll talk about this more later - but I do have to go now." 

"Uh, sure. But will you come back?" 

"On one condition." 

"Sure." 

Blair turned back to him and stood up straight, allowing something like steel to enter his voice - and making sure Jim heard it. Sentinel or no, Jim, like most men, had been guilty of selective deafness on occasion. "You go to Sally's place, collect my stuff and move it back yourself - before I get home. She's there all day, studying." 

Jim's beaming smile nearly made him falter. "Okay. I know where Sally lives. How long have I got?" 

Blair glanced at his watch, "Three hours. Better be quick." 

Before he could say another word, Jim was out the door and gone. Blair stared at the empty space for a moment, not really having to leave at all. 

God, why had he agreed to go back? He must really be an idiot - especially when they hadn't really resolved anything of why it had happened in the first place. Then again, perhaps Jim wanting him back meant that it didn't need to be resolved in order for him to live at the loft. 

Actually, that was exactly what it meant - and Blair allowed himself to relax a little. Then a little more. Slowly, the hurt of the last two days shifted into the background and he sat down to fill the next three hours before he could safely return to the loft. He even allowed himself a small bet that Jim not only would move all his stuff - but would unpack and clean everything in sight in an attempt to make it up to Blair. 

Well, that would be good - but it wouldn't stop Blair from getting some answers tonight - and if Jim thought it would, he would have another thing coming. 

* * *

In the end, it was three and a half hours before Blair finally drove up Prospect. He parked, got out and paused, glancing up to windows he could barely see. Standing there, he couldn't stop the replay of Saturday night, couldn't halt the memory of the shock, the horror of Jim kicking him out. Couldn't avoid the wash of pain that sank right to his boots. 

And why? They'd had fights before - bad ones. Days on end when they hadn't been able to say a single word to each other. So why did this feel so different? So weird. 

Perhaps because he hadn't expected it to hurt so much. Sure, he'd known Jim would be surprised - yes, even shocked by the sudden turn in his sex life - but to be thrown out like that? To be dismissed? 

No, it wasn't like Jim at all. Not where Blair was concerned. Time and again over the years, Blair had watched Jim put his own life on the line to protect him. No, when Jim was bothered by something, he went silent first, then grumpy and - if Blair was really lucky - then would come the yelling. But not this time. 

And then, the apology. Again, so unlike Jim. Really, really weird, this whole thing. 

So, why had he been so ready, so quick to agree to come back? Okay, it wasn't exactly comfortable sleeping on the floor of Sally's spare room - but he'd survived worse. Okay, so he was a beggarly graduate student with barely enough pennies to pay for his gas each week - but that didn't mean he couldn't find somewhere almost decent to live. Without Jim. 

So why? 

Because he didn't want to live anywhere else. Plain and simple. Jim meant too much to him. Was too important to his life - not just his dissertation, his work. 

He'd thought Jim had felt the same - until Saturday night. 

"Hey, Chief?" 

The voice called from above and Blair glanced up. Jim was half hanging out the window, a smile on his face. "Yeah?" 

"You coming up?" 

"Yeah, sure." Blair said nothing else. There was something about this whole thing that had him wired. Something that made him feel very unsettled, the way he used to balance his coffee mug on the curved arm of his old sofa. Sat it there, daring it to either fall on the floor or onto his lap. Disaster either way. 

Yeah, really, really weird. 

But he didn't muck about. He stuck his courage between his teeth and made his way upstairs. The door was open and Jim was in the kitchen cooking. Blair glanced at him and wandered into his room. 

Yep, all unpacked. And cleaned. Spotless. Still didn't look like he lived there. This was Blair Jim-style. Neat, tidy, organized. Too neat, too tidy, too organized. With a sly grin, he closed the bedroom door behind him and spent all of three minutes deliberately pulling stuff out and spreading it around until once more the place had the feel of him to it. The real Blair - rather than the expressway packaged variety. 

Satisfied, he went back into the kitchen and noted that Jim completely failed to comment on what he'd just done. Of course the sentinel knew - how could he not? 

"Beer?" Jim asked, chopping up carrots. 

"Yeah. Want one?" 

"After all that work? Sure." 

Blair got them beers and deliberately left the kitchen. It was getting too hard not to stare at Jim, too hard to keep that mug on the arm of the sofa. He wanted answers - but he wasn't sure if he was quite ready for them. He wandered towards the balcony. The doors were open, allowing soft autumn air to drift into the room. He was half-way through his beer before Jim joined him. 

"Nice night." 

"Yeah," Blair replied, sneaking a look at his friend. Jim still looked weird - the way a kid does the day before Christmas. Like he had something really good happening the next day and knew all he had to do was wait. Not having any kind of clue what he was going on about, Blair turned his gaze back to the view. "So?" 

Jim shot him a glance that didn't quite reach his eyes. Then he leaned his arms on the railing and held his beer with both hands. "So." 

Silence stretched between them for so long, Blair was wondering if he was really expected, after all this, to wheedle Jim into talking - the way he usually did. But then Jim surprised him again. 

"I unpacked." 

"I noticed." 

"I'm sorry." 

"So you said." 

"I guess you want to know why." 

"Sure I do." 

"Yeah, well" Jim took in a deep breath and let it out noisily. "Look, Chief, I guess, yeah I was tired and angry and you made what you know is a lot of noise for me in the middle of the night. I mean, I knew it was you and everything - but the moment I woke up I noticed this unfamiliar scent and it got right into my defences. I must have dialled it up because it became overwhelming and then then I saw you and you I started shouting and you shouted back and all I could smell was this guy Shit, Chief, I am sorry." 

Despite his wariness, Blair could see Jim meant that in all sincerity. He really was horribly sorry for what he'd done. What rankled with Blair was not the apology - but the pitiful excuse for an excuse. His anger switched back on - though he kept it simmering nicely. "And that's it?" 

"Pretty much." Jim wouldn't look at him. Instead, Blair just got to watch this square-cut profile, jaw clenched normal-fashion, eyes firmly fixed in the distance, massive powerful body seemingly at rest \- but ready to spring should the need arise. 

Jim was lying. 

Deliberately, Blair chose his words to shatter that lie. "I thought we had some trust going here." 

Jim flinched. 

"I thought you just said you were sorry." 

Jim closed his eyes. 

"I thought you'd tell me the truth." 

Jim dropped his head and left it there, shaking it from side to side. His voice, when he spoke was soft, husky and not at all confident. "I am. I am sorry." 

"But?" 

"But" 

"Damn it, Jim," Blair snapped. "You can damn well go and pack my stuff up again if you don't give me a real answer in the next thirty seconds!" 

"Christ, Blair," Jim groaned, taking a swallow of beer. "Okay, okay, so maybe that isn't all there is to it - but it is a lot of it. You did catch me unawares. I was surprised and yeah, I was shocked." 

"And?" 

"And perhaps I was just edging a zone from the scent." Jim frowned, dropping his voice again as though he was telling himself as much as Blair. "Perhaps I was a bit blown away that you'd been with a guy. I mean, I had no idea. You'd never said anything." 

"That was my first time." Blair replied, softly. 

Jim glanced up at that, his blue eyes filled with wonder. It only lasted a second before he turned away again. "And well perhaps I was also jealous." 

"What?" Blair sucked in a breath, frozen to his place with an almighty wallop of surprise. Jealous? Jim? Jim Ellison? Jealous? "Of what?" 

But Jim said nothing else. At least, not using real words. Instead, he straightened up and turned to look at Blair, his gaze awesome and full of something Blair had never seen before, something he wanted to explore and investigate fully, drown himself in and come out the other side a changed man. 

His heart was racing, his mouth dry but he knew he had to say something. Anything. Words, that's what he needed right now. But the ones that tumbled inside his head did nothing but crash against each other, conforming to nothing anybody would recognize as a sentence. His mouth opened in encouragement - but before he could really force the issue and make his brain operate, the phone rang. 

Jim's gaze flickered away inside - returned to Blair - then back again. Without a word, he dashed inside, leaving Blair almost staggering with his absence. He heard Jim speaking but again the words had no meaning for him. Then Jim was coming back. 

"I'm sorry, Chief." 

"What for?" Blair turned slowly, not sure he wanted to continue any of this. 

Jim just shook his head, "That was Simon. I have to go. Dinner's in the oven. Don't wait up for me. It'll probably be an all-nighter." 

Blair just nodded, unable to say what he wanted - largely because he didn't have a clue what that was right now. 

"We can talk again tomorrow, right?" Jim was hovering, obviously wanting an escape but unready to risk anything. "I mean, if you want to?" 

"Sure, Jim. You go. I've got work to do anyway." 

Jim's smile was tentative. "Right. I'll go then. See you tomorrow." 

And then he was gone and Blair felt all the air had been sucked from the room. 

* * *

The morning sun streaked across the road, glittering through fall-coloured leaves as Jim turned the truck towards home. Chances were Blair had already left for work and despite his promises to himself, Jim was glad. He was too tired to do the kind of mental gymnastics a curiosity-roused Blair would force him to perform right now. Too tired and too damned scared. 

So he'd admitted it. The jealousy thing. He'd actually come right out and said it to Blair's face. So what was Blair thinking now? Wishing he'd never done any of it? Wishing he'd stayed at Sally's? Or was he perhaps thinking that Jim might well, that he might with Jim and 

Oh, who was he trying to kid? Just because Blair had slept with a guy (one guy, once, first time!) didn't mean he would even begin to think of Jim like that. Did it? Would it? Was it possible? 

And what if Blair was into some really heavy relationship with this Dave? 

He got into the loft already knowing Blair's heartbeat was absent. He meant to go straight to bed but instead, he drifted into Blair's room and picked up a pillow from the bed. Laughing to himself, he pressed his face into it and took a full lung of air, devouring the scent he needed so badly. Part of his life now. Part of him. Without it, he wasn't Jim Ellison any more. He was just some schmuck who didn't know love when he saw it. 

Not that he'd really been aware until the other night. And, if truth be told, he was a little horrified with himself that it had taken something so terrible for him to see it. But love it was. Odd, weird, unexpected - but love nonetheless. 

Odd, weird, unexpected that he'd fall in love with his male partner. 

Not that he had a clue what to do about it. After all, Blair was the talker, not Jim. He tried hard - but it really wasn't in his makeup to sit and chat casually about feelings that had shattered him to his core, were bound up in the very fabric of his existence, that could destroy him in a moment if he was careless. 

He put the pillow back down and went upstairs to bed. He removed his clothes carefully, just like he always did, putting them in their right place, affecting a normalcy he didn't really feel. Then he buried himself under the covers and closed his eyes. 

Only then did it really start to take him. The strangeness. The wild images that flashed across his eyes. The dreaming of a realm of possibilities which, until three nights ago, he'd never really considered. 

God, what was he thinking? He was an old man compared to Blair. And Blair was so damned beautiful. Those dark blue eyes, that hair a man could lose himself in. The compact but glorious body Jim had only glimpsed. The mind that could split oak at four hundred yards. A voice that had the ability to warm the insides of Jim's darkest places - and did so frequently. 

Yeah, the whole delicious, energetic, haphazard package, inside and out - and Jim wanted it all. Every last drop. All his - with a kind of proprietorial hunger he suspected only sentinels could feel for their guides. 

Of course, it was odd that after all these years he should find himself wanting someone who was not female. And yes, the idea did scare him a little - why wouldn't it? But all his life attraction - and yes, love - had never really been about what he could see - even with sentinel senses. It had always been about something else, something much deeper and infinitely more permanent. So Blair was a man, and with that came problems of its own and he would have to learn to deal with them as they came along. A little research wouldn't go astray - especially while he worked out what he was going to do about it all. But what a prize waited for him if he dared to take that chance. Being with Blair so far had given him a life with windows on parts of the world he'd never even known existed. He'd learned so much about himself, gained control of his senses and experienced so much richness it sometimes took his breath away. Blair had shown him how to fill his life - rather than just live it. To contemplate an eternity of that was a heady thought. 

But would Blair want him? Did Blair even find him attractive? Would Blair be even remotely interested? 

An involuntary groan hushed into the silence and Jim rolled over onto his side, for a moment, imagining Blair was there in bed with him. What would he feel like, to hold? Close? Jim's fingers could almost touch the smooth skin, ached to do so. And what would his guide taste like? What would it feel like to press his lips to that face, that wanting mouth. How would it sound to hear Blair's moans of pleasure as Jim made love to him? 

Yeah, Jim was scared to the bone. Probably more scared than he'd ever been before except when he'd feared for Blair's life. But this was a nice kind of scared. The kind he could live with - at least for now. God only knew when he'd fallen in love with his guide but the truth was, he didn't care. Love felt too good to waste. It filled him, kept him company, gave him a focus. He'd not had too much love in his life, and he didn't have Blair's education and everything - but he did know love when he saw it, felt it. Jim loved Blair body, heart and soul. And even if Blair decided he didn't want Jim, at least Jim would have tried. An honest rejection was better than a life lived without love. 

Yeah, he could handle this. What was really weird was how much he wanted to. 

* * *

It was a good thing Blair had a full day of classes - because anything less would have left him drifting somewhere in zombie land. It had always amazed him, the power simple suggestion had over the subconscious. 

His office was a mess as usual. He dumped his pack by the desk and sank into the chair, pushing stray strands of hair back from his face. Damn that man. Why did he have to go and make it all complicated? What was with this jealousy thing? 

And what were the chances of him finding out more? 

Knowing Jim, very, very small. 

Going by Jim's usual standards, he'd feel he'd already explained plenty and therefore wouldn't want to bring the subject up again. No, Jim would make like everything was back to normal; the night he'd thrown Blair out would be consigned to history, no word of it spoken again. 

And damned if Blair would let him. 

But - 

Did he really want to know? The truth, that is. Did Blair really want to understand what he'd seen in Jim's eyes? 

A look that had been wholly different to the one Dave had given him. Or anybody else for that matter. So what were the differences between them? Apart from looks? 

Dave had openly expressed his desire to take Blair to bed. Sure, there had been something like desire in Jim's eyes - but no way was it the same. What kind of jealousy was it? 

He stopped and closed his eyes, leaning back as far as his creaking chair would allow. 

Did he want Jim to be jealous of Dave? Because if he did, that meant he was that he was attracted to Jim. So was he? Attracted? 

Jim was his best friend. His sentinel. For the last three years, his life had revolved around the man and Blair regretted none of it. Especially given the friendship that had developed. Okay, that much is certain. But what else was he? 

Tall, very good looking, piercing blue eyes, a smile that would melt steel, a soul that could capture a flighty butterfly 

Whoa - wait a minute. Soul? What was going on here? Wasn't this supposed to be about attraction? About sex? 

Wasn't it? 

He'd turned down the Borneo job because he'd believed it was about friendship. That had been about as far as he'd ever been able to go in understanding his feelings for his partner. And then again, Jim had a point about the fact that Blair had never mentioned his growing interest in men. He hadn't - and why not? Why not discuss something so profound as a re-orientation of his desire? With his best friend. Had he really just been afraid Jim wouldn't react well? Or - 

Or had he accepted Dave's offer because he was afraid that he might indeed discuss it with Jim - in very great detail. More detail than he believed Jim was prepared for. 

Again his thoughts flashed back to Saturday night and the moment Jim had appeared on the top of the steps. What had been his first thought? About how gorgeous Jim was and what a pity it was that he was straight? 

Groaning with disbelief, Blair shook his head, not stopping other memories from drifting past his eyes. The hundreds of times Jim had touched him casually, the unconscious desire he always felt to gain one of those touches, the need in him to have them, the loss of them when they were apart. And more; the way Jim spoke to him, the way they were together, comfortable, companions, working on a wavelength nobody around them really understood - but recognized as something nobody else could join in with. In so many ways, he and Jim were more of a couple than most people who were married. 

Yeah, he was attracted to Jim - big time. Had been from the moment they'd met. And maybe his recent adventure with Dave had been his subconscious telling him to find something to fill the need. Okay, okay he could work with that. 

Problem was - what had Jim really meant about being jealous? Was that something Blair was really ready for? 

Without warning, his skin tingled as his imagination ran riot, providing an image of Jim naked and wrapped around him, firm muscles and hard flesh, heat between them, driving desire - 

He sat bolt upright with a gasp. Christ! Where had that come from? He glanced down to his crotch and wished he hadn't. Adjusting the uncomfortable bulk a little, he began collecting stuff ready to take home. 

He had more than a few questions but sitting around here wasn't going to answer them. But either way, he still wasn't sure he was ready to start asking. After all, with Dave it was an easy thing. They had no prior relationship and it really wouldn't be that terrible if they didn't see each other again, if it all fell apart. 

Jim however, was the centre of his life. If they tried - and it didn't work - they'd lose everything. And having tasted exactly that as he'd tried to sleep on Sally's floor, Blair was certain that under no circumstances did he want to risk that happening again. Ever. 

* * *

Jim was cursing under his breath as he left the station late. He'd only been supposed to go in and finish off paperwork after last night's bust - but something else had come up and then something else and the next thing he knew it was nine pm. When Simon had suggested they get in some food and finish working - Jim had cursed. Simon had tried to ask but Jim simply wouldn't play. He needed to get home to Blair and he needed to do it now. 

So he headed for home, stopping only long enough to pick up some Chinese. There was only one light on when he opened the door quietly. Blair was home - he could hear that heartbeat without any problem - but the place was very quiet. Gingerly he set down the bags, put his keys in the tray and hung up his jacket. Steadying himself, he went to Blair's door - but the room was empty. Turning swiftly, he caught sight of a curly head on one end of the couch. 

Moving closer, Jim caught in his breath at the beautiful vision before him. Blair was curled up into a ball, his head on a cushion, eyes closed, breathing steadily. Asleep. Jim crept near, holding his breath for fear of waking his guide. He came around the back of the couch and leaned over, gently inhaling the scent that filled his senses, allowing his eyes to drift over the still form, the perfect face, the compact body, normally so energetic, now so peaceful. If Jim could have had anything he wanted in that moment, it would have been to gather the man up in his arms and let him sleep on. 

Absently, his hand reached out and touched a loose curl, brushing it over his fingertips, dialling his touch up to imprint as much on his memory as possible. What would he do if Blair didn't want him? Would he be able to give the man up? Able to watch him find another man to fill his life with? Was he really strong enough to let go of something he loved so much? 

Blair stirred a little and Jim flinched back, standing quickly. The last thing he could afford was for Blair to get the wrong idea, to think that Jim just wanted no more than a tumble in the sack. He needed Blair to know that he wanted the whole thing - life, partnership, love, sex, togetherness. The works. But in order to get that, he had to go very slowly and carefully - or he would scare Blair. He'd known that last night with the look in Blair's eyes as he'd admitted jealousy. Blair was afraid. Jim wasn't sure of what yet \- but he could respect that fear, could find a way to make it disappear. 

So he left Blair sleeping and headed for the kitchen. He got the food out, making a little noise as he did so. All the while he kept an ear out for his guide, sensing the change in breathing patterns, the gentle drift towards waking. By then he had a tray ready and brought it back to the couch. He set it down on the coffee table and looked up just as Blair opened huge blue eyes. They took Jim's breath away. 

"Hey, Jim." 

"Hey, Chief," Jim smiled and was relieved to have one sent back to him. "Hungry?" 

"Food?" Blair frowned a little and sat up, rubbing a hand over his face. "Sorry, man, must have drifted off. What time is it?" 

"Nearly ten. Sorry I'm so late. Simon had stuff he wanted me to do. So, you wanna beer?" 

"Uh, no thanks," Blair shook his head in disgust. "Would just send me straight back to sleep." 

"But you're tired. You should sleep." 

Blair's gaze caught his, wary but captivating. "I will. Later. Right now, I'm starved. I was going to cook but I just wanted to lie down for a minute and well you know what happened." 

"Here." Jim handed him a plate and fork then sat down with his own opposite. "You coming into the station tomorrow?" 

"Sure. Any particular reason why?" 

"No. But I could use your help with the case I'm working on." As he'd expected, Blair sat up a little more, his eyes brightening a little and began asking questions Jim was happy to answer. 

By the time the food was finished, Jim had filled him in on the case and Blair was already drifting again, obviously in need of more sleep. Jim cleaned up, washing the plates and stacking them in the rack. Blair followed him into the kitchen and picked up a towel. A vaguely uneasy silence grew between them. Jim was finding it hard to concentrate on what he was doing with Blair so close. Not only that, but Blair hadn't once asked him about last night - and that wasn't like him at all. He'd always believed that Blair's curiosity couldn't be abated by anything other than the whole truth - and nothing but. 

"Jim?" Blair put away the last plate as Jim finished wiping the bench down. 

"Yes?" 

Blair's bottom lip pouted a little, the way it usually did when he was thinking carefully. Jim could only wait. 

"Are you I mean" 

"Spit it out, Chief," Jim replied softly, prepared to go with whatever made Blair comfortable. 

Blair responded to his tone and looked up, puppy dog eyes melting everything hard inside Jim. "Are you being nice to me because you think I'll move out again?" 

Jim smiled a little, "Am I being nice?" 

"Yeah, I suppose so. It was really my turn to cook tonight." 

"And the Chinese could easily have ended up in the bin." 

"So you're not worried I'll move out?" 

Jim shrugged and took the dishtowel from Blair's fingers, their skin touching for a brief second. "I don't ever want you to move out, Chief. And if being nice to you is one way to prevent it, expect some more of it. Unless you don't like me being nice?" 

Blair frowned again - then brushed it away with a tentative smile, "No, sure, that's okay. It's just that" 

"What?" God, usually it was Blair trying to get him to talk! 

"Well, I'm not going anywhere." 

Jim tried to maintain his calm façade but a little of his relief came though in his smile. "Okay." 

Blair shrugged, looking away. "I just wanted you to know. You know, in case you were wondering." 

"Thanks." Again the silence stretched and Jim knew he would have to end it. He reached out and put a hand on Blair's shoulder. "Look, Chief, we're both pretty whacked. Why don't you get into bed and get some sleep? We've got a busy day tomorrow." 

"Sure." Blair turned back, his eyes searching Jim's, his shoulder feeling good and solid beneath Jim's touch. Blair lifted his face and for a moment, Jim was seized by an almost overwhelming desire to lean down and take those lips in a soft kiss. But he controlled himself, squeezed Blair's shoulder and let go. 

"Goodnight, Chief." 

"'Night, Jim." 

Alone in his bed, Jim listened to the sound of Blair getting ready for bed, listened to the heartbeat, the shift of things in the room downstairs - and felt more comfortable than he had in a long time. 

* * *

"Chief, get down!" 

Blair sank to the ground behind the truck and tried to keep track of where Jim was in the chaos. The investigation had led them nowhere all day until a tip-off had brought them to this supermarket on the other side of town. As they'd pulled up, Jim's senses had gone off the scale and he'd called in backup immediately. The killer he'd been stalking all week must have heard the call and now held two hostages behind a car in the alley. 

Before the required backup had even arrived, shots were being fired. Jim had advanced and Blair had gone to follow him when a bullet had landed in the side of the truck. Blair had ducked even before Jim's shout reached him. 

Hell, why was there never any Kevlar around when he wanted it? 

His heart pounding, he crept along the ground until he could see around the back of the truck. The carpark was half-full, giving Jim too little cover as he approached the alley. Two uniformed units had arrived and blocked off any escape route and he knew Simon was only minutes away. Still, Blair was terrified. He always hated it when Jim determined to do this kind of thing on his own. 

"What can you see?" He called to his partner. Jim was crouched down behind a blue saloon no more than fifteen feet away. His gun was out, his head tilted to one side. Listening. 

"Not much. You?" 

"Zip." 

"Stay there." 

"Jim" but the big man was already moving, slipping between one car after another getting closer to the alley. Huge trash dumpsters blocked his way - not to mention his senses. As he came to a halt behind a black van, Blair could see the early signs of a zone. 

He didn't wait. Taking a deep breath, he dodged across open space until he was only one car away from Jim. It was only after he stopped that he noticed more shots had been fired in his direction. In the background he could hear Simon's arrival, calls he should respond to \- but his concentration was all on the sentinel now. Jim hadn't moved from his position so Blair had no choice but to crawl across the ground to get to him. 

Gaining his side, Blair swore. Jim's gaze was fixed on nothing at all, the gun still in his hand, shots still flying overhead. "Jim? Okay, man, just listen to my voice. Come on Jim, come back. Follow the sound of my voice." He continued softly, they were too close to the alley and he didn't want the killer to think there was any kind of advantage - but it was too late. More shots were fired and he was starting to get real scared. If that guy came out of the alley before Jim came around 

Still speaking, trying to get Jim to respond, Blair gently prised the gun from Jim's fingers. He'd fired a gun before - but that had always been in controlled conditions. This was different - and the feel of the hard weapon made his skin crawl. Still, he had no choice. Moving until he was comfortable, he pointed the gun so he was sure the bullets would fly over the top of the market and harmlessly into space. Then he pulled the trigger. Once, twice, three times. 

Suddenly he was pushed to the ground, the gun clawed out of his hand. Jim smothered him with a hand over his mouth, his weight almost crushing Blair. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Jim hissed, his head turning, listening to the alley. "He's got help in there. Are you trying to get us both killed?" 

Blair couldn't speak with Jim's hand over his mouth so he just shook his head wildly. Jim released him and sat up, helping Blair. "You zoned, Jim. Why?" 

"The smell. Those dumpsters. Can you smell it? And there's something else, too. I was trying to pinpoint it" 

Blair placed a hand on Jim's shoulder, keeping his voice in guide-mode. "Isolate it, Jim. Listen to my voice and peel off everything else you can smell. Me, the cars, everything. Narrow it down." 

Jim began to nod. "Got it." 

"Yeah?" Blair half-smiled - but when Jim turned to face him, the smile disappeared. "What?" 

"Don't like it when you tell me to tune your scent out. Especially when all I get is a nose-full of C4." 

"Shit!" 

"Yeah. There's two hostages and four gunmen. I don't know what the hell they were planning but we seem to have spooked them. This is going to take a SWAT team. Come on, Chief, back the way we came." 

Amidst more gunfire, they got safely out of the way, conferred with Simon and got the SWAT team on it's way. From then on there was little for Blair to do but watch and wait. Negotiations for the release of the hostages dodged back and forth but when the men with the big guns came, it was all over within a few minutes. 

And then came hours of wrap-up, paperwork, Jim going over the alley making sure there were no more explosives left, Jim scanning the entire supermarket with the same purpose, more interrogation of the two remaining suspects and more searching. It was long dark by the time Blair climbed back into the truck. Jim was still inside, still working and Blair just wanted to go home. It had been a rough day and all he could think about was shooting that gun and how he would have felt if he'd actually shot someone. 

He let out a big yawn and stretched across the seat, closing his eyes. 

He opened them a moment later to find a gun in his face. 

"Okay, you little shit, we're gonna take a ride together. A very short ride." 

Blair froze, his heart thudding in his chest, almost deafening. His eyes fixed on the barrel inches from his nose, then followed it back to the face. The man was leaning in the driver's window, his features strongly resembling one of the suspects now taken into custody. 

Shit - there'd been more of them! How many more? Did Jim know? Were there more around, waiting for Jim to come out? God, Jim wouldn't know! He'd be god, help 

"Yeah, scared for your little friend, aren't you? Well, you should be. You fucker! Nobody shoots my brother and gets away with it." 

Blair didn't attempt to explain that Jim hadn't shot anybody today - he knew it wouldn't make any difference. "Look, I don't know what you want" 

"Shut the fuck up! Now sit up and get behind the wheel. We're going for a drive." 

Blair swallowed. Only now did he recall what Jim had said, how he didn't like having to tune out Blair's scent. At the time, he'd not been able to react - though it had hit him deeply. Now all he could think was how long it would take Jim to get used to not having Blair's scent around. 

"Move! Or I'll shoot you where you are!" 

Blair instantly began to sit up - when something large, dark and very pissed slammed into the man. An arm reached into the truck and plucked the gun out of dangerous fingers. Blair scrambled out of the way and out the other door. He ran around the truck to find Jim had the man pressed up against the door, arm twisted agonizingly behind his back, searing voice pouring into the perp's ears. 

"Don't you EVER threaten my partner again! Do you hear me? DO YOU? You're a fucking LOSER! If I find one hair on his head has been touched by your filth, I swear" 

"Jim!" Blair urged, "I'm okay. Jim, listen to me. I'm okay." 

Jim flinched and shot him a glance, the sheer black fury in his eyes abating only a little. After a few seconds, Jim let out a pent up breath and nodded. He fished for his cuffs and slapped them on the man's wrist in time for Simon to take him off their hands. As the others moved away, Blair turned back to Jim and simply watched him, wary and not a little afraid. Jim in his turn, watched Blair, his eyes now in shadow and unreadable to Blair. 

"You're okay?" 

"Fine." 

"Sure?" 

"Absolutely. Just got scared, that's all." 

"Yeah. Heard your heartbeat spike. Dunno how that bastard got" 

"I'm okay, Jim. I promise." 

"Yeah." 

For all that he'd been the one in danger, Blair felt it was Jim who needed the comfort more. He wanted to throw his arms around Jim and hold on for as long as it took to get rid of the sharp tension radiating off those square shoulders. A week ago, he would have done it. But now? 

Now there was something in that tension that warned him off. An unspoken message that said something about being really sure of everything before he so much as touched the man. And he wasn't. Sure. About anything at all. 

He swallowed and glanced meaningfully at the truck. "Er can we go home now?" 

Jim just nodded. They got in and Jim started the motor, pulling out of the carpark without a word. They were almost home before Jim actually spoke. "Thought he was going to kill you, Chief." 

"I know, Jim, it's okay." 

"Is it?" 

Blair was looking at him and so was in a perfect position to catch the look of pain that washed over Jim's face. So unprepared for it was he that he couldn't think of anything else to say. 

* * *

Jim laid in bed watching the sun rise and wishing he'd managed to get at least a little sleep. But he'd been too preoccupied listening. Counting one heartbeat after another, listening to the small noises Blair made as he slept, shifting on his bed, nuzzling back down. Too busy wishing he could simply go down there and be a part of the night with Blair. Holding him, keeping him safe, protecting him from whatever there was in the world that might dare to hurt him. 

Life was too short. 

That phrase had gone around inside his head maybe a thousand times since that moment last night when he'd seen the man pointing a gun at his partner's head. Life is too short. Could be over in a second. Could change irrevocably in a second. Could begin in a second. 

Life was too short. 

Too short to take things too slowly, to live each day wondering if Blair would ever feel anything for him, whether Jim had any chance of happiness in those arms, whether Blair might die one day because Jim was distracted or simply not around. Life was way too short and if he waited much longer, he would lose too much of it to make a difference. 

On the other hand, he couldn't rush it. That simply wouldn't work. For example, if he went to Blair now and declared his feelings, Blair would probably run a mile before glancing back. 

No - but perhaps a slightly more indirect method was called for. 

He heard Blair's alarm sound and Blair grumpily slam it off. It made him smile. He rolled out of bed, threw on a robe and trotted down into the kitchen. Knowing full well he was behaving like a love-struck fool, he set about making a really good breakfast. He put all Blair's favourite little things on a tray - but avoided the temptation to add a rose to it - largely because he didn't have one handy - then picked it up and took it to Blair's door. He knocked with his foot. 

"Yeah?" A sleep-groggy voice greeted him. 

"You awake?" Jim grinned. 

"No. Sleep-talking. It's dangerous to wake me. Go away." 

Jim stifled a chuckle, balanced the tray in one hand and opened the door. "So you don't want any breakfast?" 

Blair lifted his head from the pillow and brushed a tangle of hair away from his face. Once he got a good look, he sat up, a disbelieving smile bringing sunshine to the room. "What's this, man? It's not my birthday. Not that you ever did anything like this for my birthday, man but hey, this is cool!" 

Laughing softly, Jim came up to the bed and set the tray down on Blair's lap. "Don't spill anything or you'll be sleeping on a wet mattress tonight." 

"Nah," Blair concentrated on his food, "I'd just sleep on yours instead." 

Something inside Jim stumbled over that and he was entirely unable to comment. After a second, Blair glanced up, his face displaying his own surprise at what he'd just said. He stayed silent but Jim couldn't help seeing the warm flush that spread across Blair's face. Swallowing hard, Blair met his gaze for a long, drawn out moment before ducking his head and pretending interest in his breakfast. Then Jim came back to himself, pushing down thoughts of a naked Blair climbing into his bed, of simply leaning down and pressing his lips to Blair's. "Well, you'd better eat that before it gets cold." 

Then he turned and left the room before he lost all pretence at control. 

[Concluded in part two](aboutlove_a.html).


	2. Chapter 2

Due to length, this story has been split into two parts.

## About Love

By Jack Reuben Darcy

Author's homepage: <http://internetdump.com/users/angiet>

* * *

About Love - part two  
by Jack Reuben Darcy

There was no mistake about it. Something was brewing. Blair just couldn't work out what. He ate his breakfast but good as it was, he couldn't get his mind off Jim. It was hard getting food down him when every thought he had made his insides tumble together, spilling delicious sensations across his body, uncaring of the affect they had. Jim had brought him breakfast in bed - for no apparent reason. 

And yes, there had been a moment there when Blair had wondered what might happen if he simply put down the tray and dragged Jim in with him instead. Again his guts twisted and for a second he couldn't decide whether he wanted to laugh or bounce up and down. 

Being the object of such intense attention was a little scary - but it also felt good. Really good. As long as Jim meant what he was trying to do - or at least, what Blair thought he was trying to do. As long as Blair was right. But what was Jim trying to do and was it what Blair wanted and how was the best way for him to find out? 

Obviously, simply asking was never going to work. After all - he wasn't even sure Jim knew what he was feeling and Blair was absolutely sure he wasn't anything more than completely confused about his own feelings. 

But still, this was nice. Really nice. He could get used to this. In a big way. But even more than that, he could get really used to the way Jim looked at him. Blue eyes lit from within, warm and generous, calm and assured. Yeah, really really nice. Caught the breath in Blair's throat every time Jim smiled at him, every time a casual comment was thrown his way. The thread of anticipation had worked its way into him now and he could do nothing to stop it. 

He was almost finished when Jim called to him from the front door. "I'm off now. I'll see you at lunchtime at the station, right?" 

"Yeah. And Jim?" 

"What?" 

"Thanks for the breakfast." 

"My pleasure, Chief." And then he was gone, leaving the echo of a sunny voice to warm the morning. 

* * *

Blair's workload was fairly light that morning and he made it even lighter by dipping out on a meeting he didn't really need to attend. He simply couldn't sit still for long. In every empty moment, his thoughts wandered over the few brief hints he had that Jim might want him. 

And still it was little more than that: might, maybe, possibly. No certainty of anything. It was driving him crazy. 

He got out of work and climbed into his car. He had a few minutes before Jim was expecting him at the station and he used them to try and decide, once and for all, exactly what he wanted to happen. 

Bed with Jim. 

Yep. 

That's what he wanted? 

Oh, yeah. 

Jim. Naked. In bed - or wherever. 

That all? 

Bed with Jim. Jim holding him, kissing him, his magnificent body laid out for Blair like a banquet, them moving together, giving each other pleasure, giving… 

"Christ!" Blair breathed with a weird smile on his face. Oh, yes, he did want that. And more. And now he was glad he'd not given in to Dave. He was glad he was still a virgin because he wanted, more than anything, to be able to give that to Jim. Wanted Jim inside him, wanted them to be together like that because that's the way they should be together. 

But, damnit - what did Jim want? Would he be repulsed if Blair made a move? Would he, faced with the reality, decide that his jealousy hadn't been anything of the kind and going to bed with Blair was exactly the last thing he wanted? 

But there was no way Blair could ask. Rejection he could take - humiliation was beyond him. 

Gritting his teeth, he started the car and drove over to the station, his mood somewhat dampened. But the moment he walked into the bullpen and Jim looked up to see him, the moment he caught sight of that brilliant smile directed solely at him, he knew it was more than just his imagination - and he brightened again. Yeah, okay, so he couldn't ask. Didn't matter. What would happen would just happen. Eventually. 

* * *

Jim almost died when he finally saw Blair walk into the bullpen. He was entirely unable to stop himself beaming like a five-year-old with his most desired Christmas present unwrapped before him. God, how was it that Blair could always look so damned beautiful. From first thing in the morning to last thing at night, no matter the circumstances. He was always bouncing full of energy, his mind so quick, his enthusiasm so catching. Jim was making a fool of himself but he didn't give a damn. 

Blair had his hair tied back today, making Jim want to free it and run his fingers through it. But he resisted - as a) he didn't think Blair would take it too kindly just now it being a public place and all - and b) he didn't fancy doing something so overtly sexual in the middle of his workplace without being able to continue on with other… things. But it didn't matter. Blair was grinning that 500 megawatt smile of his and lifting Jim right out of his chair - the way he always did. Blair always lifted Jim. Lifted and carried him away. 

"Hungry?" Jim asked. 

"Not very," Blair replied, a glint in his eyes. "Had a big breakfast." 

Jim suppressed his smile and nodded. "Okay, we'll pick something up later. Right now I have a few people I want to see. Associates of the guys we picked up last night." 

"Let's go." 

Working with Blair was always a challenge. For a start, he never seemed to stop talking - nor finding something to talk about. Many times over the last four years, Jim had tuned out much of the torrent of information that swam around him - while keeping close track of the tone, the voice, the presence of the man beside him. Today was no different. He knew what Blair was talking about was probably very interesting - but no way was it going to be more interesting than the man himself. Jim was intrigued and determined to absorb every aspect of his guide that he could. 

There were five associates in all. One after the other claimed to have had no indication of what their friends were planning at the market. All of them seemed to be telling the truth - no spiked heartbeat, no unaccountably sweaty palms, no desire to run off. All but the last one. No, he decided he didn't want to talk to them and instead, did a runner out the back of the restaurant he worked in. Blair took off after him, Jim close behind. It was a close thing - but no real danger. Blair got there first and tackled the kid to the ground - exactly the way he shouldn't. Jim arrived and picked them both up, clipping cuffs onto the kid before turning his attention to Blair. 

That was when he caught the smell. 

"God, what did you roll in?" 

Blair sniffed and grimaced, looking down to where a trail of evil looking slime filled the back alley behind the restaurant. Leftover sauces, meats and rotting vegetables. Rotting for some time by the look of it. "Oh, god, Jim, I'm sorry." 

"Sorry?" Jim laughed, hauling the kid up ready to take him in. "You're the one who stinks." 

"And how am I going to get home?" 

Now Jim got it. "In a taxi?" 

"Oh, sure and a taxi is going to give me a lift stinking like this." 

"Well, you're not getting in my truck." 

"Oh, then how are you going to get him to the station?" Blair gestured towards the kid, equally begrimed and inelegantly scented. 

Jim lifted an eyebrow. Blair had a point. 

"Aw, come on, Jim, I was trying to help you." 

"Huh? And how many times have I told you, I'm the cop here, not you. You're the anthropologist, remember?" 

Blair stifled a laugh, "Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting." 

"Alright then, come on." 

It took Jim half an hour with the strongest cleaners he could find at the station to wash the truck out. Then he found some plastic sheet and laid in on the seat of Blair's car - so he wouldn't have to clean that too when he got home. It was almost six by the time they were finished up. Simon had interrogated the kid they'd brought in and managed to piece together the rest of the little scenario. An urban terrorist group, hot on politics and weapons connections - not so hot on brains. Jim left the bullpen satisfied they'd rounded up the lot. Blair walked out to the truck with him and glanced inside. 

"Hey, you cleaned up." 

"Sure. What did you expect?" 

"I was planning to do it when we got home." 

"And you thought I wouldn't mind driving all the way home with that stink?" Jim waved his hand in the air - Blair's clothes were almost ready to walk home on their own. At his gesture, a little of the laughter faded from Blair's eyes. Hastening to bring it back, Jim shrugged and gestured towards the Volvo. "Hey, Chief, it's okay. Look, why don't you get home, get out of those clothes (don't even go there, Jimmy boy) and have a shower. If you're quick and you leave me some hot water, I'll take you out to dinner." 

Blair's eyes widened a little and there was spark of something rather nice in amongst the blue. If they had been at home, Jim would have chosen that as the perfect moment to kiss Blair for the first time. But they weren't alone so again, he resisted. 

Again. 

But soon? No, he wouldn't resist any more. He had to know what Blair was feeling, whether this was all some kind of pipe dream. He had to know whether he had any hope of happiness and he had to know it soon. 

"Well?" 

Blair grinned and Jim soared away again. God, he could happily zone on that smile alone. Idly, he wondered where Blair would fit that into his dissertation. "Cool, man! Somewhere nice? For dinner?" 

"Sure." Jim nodded, realizing as he did so that what he had just done was to ask Blair out on a date. 

And Blair had accepted. 

Now - why did he have this sudden desire to leap into the air and yell 'yippee'? 

Ah, resistance aint anything like futile. Instead, Jim kept the fires banked and left Blair with a smile. Blair almost bounced to his car and had disappeared a moment later. 

More slowly, Jim climbed into the truck and gave himself a moment. Yes, tonight he would make a move. Not necessarily a big one - but a move nonetheless. Perhaps in the restaurant, over coffee. 

"Chief, you really shouldn't go running after people like that. You could get hurt. And by the way, I love you." 

Nah, way too blunt. How about: "Chief, I don't know whether you've noticed, but I can't seem to look at anybody but you. You're driving me to distraction. Please sleep with me and let me love you for the rest of my life." 

Great! As Blair would say, that is so not the way to win the man's heart. 

How about, "Blair? Would you marry me?" 

Nice idea but wrong again. 

"Blair? Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? How I would be lost without you? How you have become so much a part of my life that I want you to be all of it? How I am so hopelessly in love with you that if you ever left me I'd wither and die?" 

Getting closer. Still, he had time to work on it. With a chuckle, he started the truck and headed towards the shops. He had a few things he wanted to pick up - just in case. Life may be short - but hope still sprang eternal. 

Ah, where would he be without a fiesty cliché or two? 

* * *

Blair ran up the stairs and exploded into the loft. He was already tearing off his clothes by the time he made the bathroom. The shower felt wonderful and he scrubbed his body and hair twice each before rinsing off. He didn't want even a suggestion of that hideous odour clinging to him over dinner. No, he wanted Jim to be utterly comfortable and completely focussed on him - for all the right reasons. 

Hair dry and combed, he rummaged through his closet for something to wear. He heard Jim come in as he was trying on a shirt. 

"Ready yet, Chief?" 

"Almost." 

"Well, don't hurry. I'm going to have a shower first. I made a booking. You've got half an hour." 

"Great." Half an hour. God, that was never going to be enough! 

"Leave me some hot water?" 

"Sure." Blair called back, not sure if he did or not. 

As the bathroom door closed behind Jim, Blair ran out of air and sank onto his bed. Was he reading this all the wrong way - or was this really a date? It certainly felt like it. The way Jim had looked at him said it was - but maybe Blair was just indulging in a little wishful thinking. 

So what had happened to his qualms about sleeping with his best friend? Worries about ruining the relationship if it didn't work out? 

Mostly dried up under the heat of Jim's gaze, that's what. Blair was so ravaged by this that he was starting to have trouble hiding his arousal any time Jim was near him. God, the very thought of going on a date with him was… was… 

"Chief? Ready yet?" 

Blair sprang up from the bed and grabbed a blue shirt, throwing it on. "Two minutes." 

Laughter greeted his words - but he was true to them. Dressed to kill, he emerged from his bedroom to find Jim waiting for him in the lounge looking devastating in black jeans and a white open-necked shirt. Jim's sudden intake of breath made him both instantly calm and excited at the same time. Not that Jim acknowledged anything - of course. Not least with anything more than a smile. 

"Okay, then, let's go." 

He opened the door and Blair went through first. Jim shut and locked it behind him and they started down the stairs, their shoulders just barely touching. Blair's fingers itched to reach out and take Jim's. His skin burned to touch Jim's. He wanted to stop this dinner idea right now, head back into the loft and drag Jim into bed. 

Two faces at the bottom of the landing stopped him. Simon and Megan looking up at them in surprise. 

"Hi. You two going somewhere special?" 

Jim shrugged. "Going out for dinner actually. A kind of celebration on wrapping up that case today." 

Simon took the cigar out of his mouth. "Yes, well, we were planning to do exactly the same thing. That's why we called around - thought you might want to join us." 

Blair's heart sank. 

Jim's response was only a split second late. "Yeah, sure, why not?" Simon and Megan turned and headed down, Jim only a few steps behind them. Blair however, couldn't move from his spot. It took Jim only a moment to realise Blair wasn't beside him any more. He turned and looked up at Blair. 

Blair looked down at him, knowing his face was telling a thousand tales - and all of them full of disappointment. 

Jim's expression softened. "Come on, Chief. It'll be alright. Really. Trust me?" 

It took a moment but Blair slowly nodded. How could he not when those eyes gazed at him like that? With reluctant feet, he stepped down until he was level with Jim. Then the big man smiled, "Besides, if we're lucky, we might get Simon to pay." 

* * *

If Jim had been worried about their evening together being ruined by Simon and Megan, he didn't have to worry for long. The restaurant where he'd booked a quiet table for two was happy to change it for four. A bottle of wine started them off and then they were making merry, conversation rattling around them without effort. Blair was at his sparkling best, baiting Megan for all he was worth one minute, then asking her about the indigenous people of Australia the next. Simon dived in and Jim was left to keep the peace. Much laughter was had all round and Jim thoroughly enjoyed a night of watching Blair in full flight. It was a sight indeed. 

His eyes sparkled, his hands flew about, his mind spun tales of unimaginable proportion. He charmed everyone from Simon to Megan to the waiter - and of course, Jim. What was more - he seemed entirely unaware of how people reacted to him. He was utterly compelling - as always. 

But the meal did come to an end, the bill was paid and Simon and Megan stood to say their goodnights. Blair still had a coffee to drink and they waved goodbye in the now almost-empty restaurant. 

Jim hadn't taken his eyes from Blair. The younger man was gazing across the room, his thoughts elsewhere, his long fingers idly brushing the side of his cup. Once again Jim was caught at the amazing beauty of that face, the gently curved features, the sensuous lips, the eyes that saw and understood so much, the hair soft and expressive. 

Rather than looking at something, Blair's expression appeared to dwell more inwardly. He gently tugged in his bottom lip, his brows drew together slightly with a movement that Jim recognized as one of serious contemplation. 

Was he thinking about them? Was he asking himself the same questions Jim asked daily? Did he have any answers? 

Should Jim simply come out and ask? Something like, "Hey, Chief, do you want me the way I want you? Do you ache for me the way I ache for you? Do you ever watch me the way I'm watching you, burning inside with need, hoping for a glimpse of your smile, blown away by the beauty I see every moment in your face?" 

As though he had read Jim's thoughts, Blair turned and caught his gaze, blushing instantly. His eyes dropped to his cup and he made a show of drinking. Even with so many distracting scents around him, Jim picked up Blair's arousal. The very presence of it made his head swim, his insides dance with delight. Blair was interested. Very. 

Jim tore his gaze away for a moment, checking out how many people were within listening distance, gauging just how intimate any conversation they might have now could be. The words of love he'd wanted to utter for so many days now were on his lips, ready to be spoken - but was this really the place he wanted to say them? When both of them were trapped by the dictates of polite society? Where Blair could neither reject nor accept him freely? 

No. This had to be done privately. But it would be done. 

"Ready to go home?" Jim asked softly, his heart full and warm and entirely ruling him. 

Blair simply nodded and got to his feet without looking at him. 

For perhaps the first time he could remember, Jim drove home in a truck full of silence. Blair didn't look at him once and only a small part of Jim was worried. Blair wasn't angry or anything - simply thoughtful. They parked and climbed to the loft without speaking and then they were inside, Jim dropping his keys into the basket, watching Blair wander towards his bedroom as though his feet had an agenda of their own. 

And that got Jim really worried because he'd really wanted to say something tonight, something important - but he couldn't do it to Blair's back and yet Blair seemed to want to get away from him. Had he made a big mistake? Trying to guess what Blair wanted? 

But then Blair stopped and turned around, his gaze searching out Jim's in the near-darkness. "Jim?" 

"Yes?" 

But Blair said nothing then and Jim could almost feel his distress. And once again he scented Blair's arousal, strong and delicious, firing his own. A great calm came over him and he moved until he stood before his guide, his eyes giving the smile his face had trouble with in such conditions. Holding his breath, knowing Blair was watching everything he did, Jim slowly raised his hand and brushed the backs of his fingers along Blair's cheek. Blair trembled beneath his touch, his eyes half-closing in response. Jim swallowed hard, terrified of moving too fast and yet equally terrified he might be reading this all wrong. He steadied himself, his fingers coming to rest beneath Blair's chin. 

"It's okay, Chief. Trust me. Only if you're ready. If you want it." 

Blair nodded, relief in his eyes, his racing heart slowing a little. The solid chest rose and fell beneath Jim's gaze, the skin under his fingers cool and driving his senses wild. "You're sure?" 

"Positive," Jim murmured softly, his feelings so powerful in that moment, he was almost dizzy. "I'll wait forever if I have to." 

Blair's eyebrows rose at that and Jim wanted to kiss him so bad it hurt. Really, really wanted to kiss him, to taste those lips, to touch them with his own, to draw Blair into himself and experience the essence of his guide in full. And this time, he gave no thought to resistance. Instead, he lowered his head slowly, giving Blair plenty of time to back away. As he got closer, he inhaled deeply, allowing that scent to penetrate every part of his being, from his head down to his groin, sparking things that were too urgent for him to pay attention to right now. 

And then Blair was moving towards him, his face raised, his lips parted and Jim almost groaned at the sight - before his mouth brushed over that other, nearly blowing him apart in one brief second. Sensations assailed him across his dialled up senses, threatening a zone on everything. But Blair kissing him, Blair leaning into him, opening his mouth, inviting Jim deeper was so much more than he'd ever hoped for. Almost more than he could deal with. 

Tongues meshed together. Blair tasted of wine and coffee and heat and ice, delicious and addictive and Jim was so overwhelmed he was afraid he might expire. He couldn't afford to stay long. Already drowning, he stepped back, dropping his hand, an apology already forming - but Blair raised his hands, a half-smile on his lovely face. 

"Don't you dare say anything, Jim, or I'll kill you." 

Jim could only nod. 

"Goodnight?" Blair asked, as though expected Jim to do something else. 

Again Jim nodded - then made himself turn and head up to bed. It was a long time before Blair moved and went to his own bed. A long time. A time during which Jim was besieged with an awesome raging argument in his head about the advisability of going slowly and whether he should really just go back downstairs and take what it appeared Blair was prepared to give. 

Once more, he opted for going slow - but even as he did so, he knew that plan had its days seriously numbered. 

* * *

Blair turned off the light and climbed into a bed he hadn't really expected to be so empty tonight. He'd really thought something would happen this time. 

Hell, something had happened! Jim had kissed him! And, oh god, how wonderful it had been. Blair had wanted it so bad, had sent frantic mental messages to Jim to do just that. And feeling Jim touch him, kiss him, drawing them together, melding them had been so much more than he'd ever expected. The thrill of wanting had spiked through him, denying any thought of resistance, any suggestion of being careful and avoiding rejection. His arousal now so strong, it was almost demanding he walk right out and join Jim in bed this second. 

Jim had kissed him and it had been so wonderful he'd been afraid he might cry. 

But then Jim had almost as quickly broken it off. 

Why? Why stop there? Why draw out the agony any longer? Surely Jim could see that Blair wanted him. God, when Blair had stopped and spoken Jim's name, the next sentence already prepared on his lips was, "Jim will you please sleep with me?" 

But instead, Jim had read his hesitation, his doubts, his concerns - along with his arousal. Instead, Jim had spoken to the part of Blair that had all along prevented him from making the first move. The part that still wasn't sure about anything. The part that was a mass of confusion. Jim had spoken and declared himself in one swift go. 

Yes, he wanted Blair. Was prepared to wait for the confusion to evaporate. Hell, what strength, what determination. What… 

Blair bolted up in bed, gasping in air with shock, horror and sheer disbelief. 

No! No, no no! 

God, no, Jim, this wasn't about sex! This wasn't about wanting! 

This was about love! 

Jim was in love with him. Blair knew it as he knew he was sitting there in his bedroom, in the loft, in Cascade. He knew it for sure. Absolutely. Jim. In. Love. With. Blair. 

Blair scrambled out of bed, as though he would run somewhere - and then abruptly sat down again, pulling the covers around him, desperately trying to slow his thudding heart, afraid Jim would be concerned and come down. He had to calm down. He had to. 

A few moments' deep breathing had the worst of it under control - though now the effects ran deeper, drilling despair through him as his mind reeled. 

That's what it was all about. Love. Unbelievable. Wonderful. Incredible. Terrifying. That's what Jim was waiting for. Not for whether Blair was ready to sleep with him - but for whether Blair could fall in love with him. 

But, fuck it - Blair didn't know the first thing about love! How was he to know if he was in love with Jim? He didn't understand the rules, didn't know what to look for, had no idea how he was supposed to go about finding out. 

Sure, a few times in his life, he'd thought he might be in love - but it had always faded quickly afterwards and he'd realised that, while he might care for somebody a lot - it hadn't ever really been love. In a way, that had been part of what had prompted him to go through with the thing with Dave - an attempt to see if a man could make him feel like that. But there had been nothing of his encounter with Dave to make him wonder about love. Not the kind that Jim poured out through those eyes. Not the kind that kept two people together through thick and thin. Not the kind that had them waking up every morning looking forward to time spent with the other, the beloved. 

No, he didn't know jack shit about love - and it was too late to ask. 

God, what if he didn't love Jim? What if he couldn't work out… what if the confusion warring inside him turned out to be nothing more than another dose of infatuation? What if they went to bed together and woke up to find it was nothing more than a physical thing? 

No! Blair simply couldn't do that to Jim. Not to Jim of all people. Jim was too important, too good. He should be happy. Completely. Not living with a fake. He deserved better. Better than Blair. He deserved somebody who could love him totally, would do anything for him. 

A wave of panic assailed him. What was he supposed to do now? There was no way he could sleep with Jim now, knowing it was supposed to be love. And he couldn't pretend - not to Jim. He could never go along with it and tell Jim that he was sure he would fall in love one day. Nor could he just hop into bed with him and then leave with nothing more than an apology. 

So, he would have to leave completely. Cascade. Blair would have to go, find somewhere else to be wherever Jim wasn't, so Jim wouldn't have to see him and know love would never be between them. Jim would get over it much quicker if Blair wasn't around… 

But how could he leave? How could he just pack up and make another life somewhere else, knowing he'd left his best friend behind, wallowing in pain. Well, maybe Jim wouldn't wallow. Maybe Jim would get over it quickly, without pain. But if Blair stayed, it would be so much worse for Jim. Terrible. No, hard as it would be, Blair would simply have to leave. 

Shaking like a leaf and feeling as though the bottom had dropped out of his world, Blair pulled the covers up and tried to shut out the darkness filling the air around him. 

"Chief?" 

The soft voice outside his bedroom door almost made him jump. He sucked in a breath and again tried to calm himself. "Yes?" 

"You okay?" 

"Uh, sure," Blair winced as he heard the tremor in his voice. 

There was a pause before Jim added, "You want to talk about it?" 

"About what?" Yeah, try playing innocent, Sandburg. Maybe that'll make it all go away. 

But he didn't want it to go away. What he really wanted… what he really, really really wanted… was…. to be able to love Jim in return. 

Yes. That's what he wanted. But… he wasn't sure… if he could ever know… 

A sob escaped him, made its way through the door and past his sentinel. Jim turned the handle and pushed the door open but didn't come in. "What's wrong?" 

Blair shook his head, tears streaming down his face now, utterly uncontrollable. He was being pathetic and he knew it, was embarrassed by it. How could a man reach almost thirty and still know so little of love that he couldn't see it inside himself? What kind of person could live for that long and not ever have experienced love? Who was he, really? And how could Jim love him, being as he was, a loveless person? 

Jim came into the room and knelt beside the bed, "Come on, Chief, it's okay. Talk to me. It can't be that bad." 

"Bad?" Blair sniffed, not looking at him. "It's worse. You don't understand." 

Jim waited a moment. "Is it because I kissed you?" 

"No. Yes. I mean, no." 

Patiently, Jim reached out, his hand stopping short of taking Blair's, "So I shouldn’t have kissed you?" 

Blair groaned and buried his face in his hands. "No. Please, Jim, just go away. You can't help me. Nobody can." 

But Jim, calm and steady, kept his place. His voice however, dropped, the tone reeking regret and sorrow. "Okay, so I shouldn't have kissed you. It won't happen again. I'm sorry, I just thought you wanted… Well, it doesn't matter. It won't happen again, I promise." 

"Oh, Jim," Blair groaned again. "Please, don't apologize. The kiss was wonderful." God, if only he could stop crying. He was being such a baby about this - but god, it hurt so damned much. More than anything else in his life. But Jim wouldn't ever want to kiss him again if he knew Blair couldn't love him. Jim would be hurt - like he was now. God, god, how did this come to be such a mess? He was hurting Jim and all he wanted to do was love him. 

"Chief," Jim reached out and took a hand from Blair's face. "Come on, please talk to me. I need to know what I did wrong. I tried to take it slowly. I didn't want to rush you. Please, talk to me. Tell me. Is it Dave? Is he really important?" 

"No!" Blair hiccupped and shook his head wildly. "Nothing like that." 

"But if the kiss was wonderful, why are you crying?" 

"Because I just can't do this!" 

"What?" 

Blair sobbed again and tried desperately to wipe the tears from his face, knowing he must look like a mess. How could he sit there looking like a mess when Jim was so close? 

"Come on, Chief, what can't you do?" 

Blair dragged his hand from Jim's, "This love thing. I just can't do it. I'm so sorry, Jim. I can't." And with that, he threw back the covers and leapt out of bed. He dashed into the bathroom and locked the door. For long seconds he stood there, trying to get his tears under control. Then he splashed cold water on his face, dried it, peered in the mirror to see if his eyes were red, his nose swollen. God, he'd never cried this much in his entire life. And yep, they were and it was. Damn! Damn it all! 

He kicked the door in his frustration, his depression and again Jim's voice came to him. 

"Chief, open the door. Now. We have to talk about this and standing in there alone all night is not going to fix it. Come on, come out and I'll make some of that horrible tea you like drinking." 

An involuntary laugh escaped Blair then. Jim hated the tea most of all because of the smell - and then that thought brought more tears because Jim was being so nice to him and he was only going to hurt Jim in return. 

"Chief, if you don't unlock this door I swear I'll break it down!" 

Blair opened the door. Jim stood there, tall and powerful, his face full of concern, steady and reliable - as always. Not even that stopped Blair's tears. Nothing would. Not now, not ever. 

But Jim didn't say anything. He simply reached out, took Blair's hand and led him to the table, sitting him down. He grabbed a box of tissues, placed them before Blair then moved into the kitchen to put the kettle on. When he returned, he pulled up a chair before Blair and took both Blair's hands in his. 

"Okay, let's talk. What do you mean, you can't do this love thing?" 

Another huge sob threatened to break him in two, and Blair hastily took a breath to stop it. "Are you…" he swallowed, making a valiant attempt to speak, to explain. "Jim, are you… in love with me?" 

"Very much." A short nod, a tiny smile. 

"Oh, god!" Blair would have pulled away then, but Jim held on. 

"Yes, I'm in love with you, Blair. I know it's a little weird after all this time but it's true. So what's so terrible about it?" 

"Can’t you see, Jim?" Blair pleaded, his eyes sore, his head aching, his throat stiff and his chest weighted down by a ton of lead that no amount of explanation was ever going to shift. He was going to feel this bad for the rest of his life. "I don't love you." 

"You don't?" Jim frowned, sitting back a little. He tilted his head to one side as though this was the oddest thing he'd ever heard. 

"No. I'm so sorry, Jim. I really am. I wish I did love you. I want to but…" 

"But what?" 

"Well… I…" Blair trailed off, unable to continue. 

"So you don't love me?" Jim's quiet murmur stole under Blair's crying. 

"No." 

"Are you sure?" 

"No!" Blair would have snatched his hands away again if he could battle the strength holding them. "But I don’t feel love so how can I love you?" 

"Not feel love? What, never? In your whole life?" 

"No." Blair hiccupped. Jim released one of his hands so he could pull another tissue from the box to wipe his eyes. "Never felt it. No idea what it feels like." 

Again Jim frowned, "I see." 

"I'm so sorry, Jim. So very sorry. You have no idea how much I don't want to hurt you. I really want to love you but I can't. The thought of hurting you is killing me. I should get out of your life and let you fall for someone who knows what love is - 'cause I just don't and I'm too old to learn. Please, Jim. I'm such a big mistake. I'll go. I'll move out and get out of Cascade." 

"No." 

"But…" 

"You promised you weren't going anywhere. You go and I'll hunt you down and bring you back - so don't bother trying it." 

Blair shook his head, more tears falling every second, "But Jim, this is just going to hurt you more if I stay around. You know that. It'll be better if I go. You deserve better than this, than loving somebody who doesn't love you back." 

But Jim was kind of like not really listening. At least, not to Blair's words. His gaze never left Blair's. Finally he sat back, letting Blair's hand go. Just then the kettle whistled and he got up to make the promised tea. His absence gave Blair a chance to pull himself together - or at least attempt to. Then Jim came back and put the cup into his hands, gave him a few more minutes to drink, to calm down. Then Jim sat and took Blair's hands again, waiting until Blair met his gaze as steadily as his tears would allow. 

"Chief…" Jim paused, his voice soft and firm, warm and open. "Blair, do you trust me?" 

Blair nodded, thrown by the sound of his name from Jim's lips. 

"No, I mean, do you really trust me? Think about it before you answer." 

Blair did and still nodded. "Yes, I trust you. With my life." 

"With your body?" 

Tensing immediately, Blair grimaced, "Of course, but Jim that is so not a good idea. Of course I want to sleep with you - but you'll only get hurt and I just couldn't do that to you. You deserve better." 

"That’s not what I was asking." Jim held his gaze steadily, calmly, not put off at all. "Do you trust me with your body? Would you give yourself to me?" 

Caught utterly by that soft tone, the love he could hear beneath it, "Yes, Jim, happily." 

Jim blinked at that a moment before continuing. "So you trust me." 

"Yes." 

"Completely?" 

"Yes." 

"So if I told you something that I believed with every fibre of my being, would you believe me?" 

Blair frowned. 

"Would you? Would you trust me enough to take my faith on board? Trust that I would know enough to believe it, to give you the truth? Do you trust me that much?" 

Without even thinking about it, Blair nodded again. "Yes, Jim, I would." 

And at that, Jim smiled a little. He reached forward and pushed a strand of hair back from Blair's eyes. 

Blair shook his head, unable to penetrate that odd smile. "What?" 

In response, Jim leaned close and pressed his lips to Blair's, a soft touch, promising and exciting and deliberate, making Blair shiver right down to his toes. As Jim drew back, something in Blair made him follow and Jim kissed him again, keeping his hands to himself and allowing his mouth to do all the talking. 

Upset as he was, Blair had no trouble understanding what was being said - and after a few blissful moments, reality crashed back in on him and he withdrew, another great sob already forming in his chest. 

But Jim wouldn't let him get that far. Instead, Jim brought up a hand and held his face, a gentle smile filling those wonderful eyes. "You're the smartest man I know and yet…" 

"What?" Blair breathed, unwilling to break this moment, but knowing he would have to, trying to force himself to. 

With his voice low and full of absolute confidence, Jim replied, "Blair, you are in love with me." 

Blair's jaw dropped. For perhaps the first time in his life, he was absolutely speechless. But he was looking into Jim's eyes and seeing so much there - but no words came to him, nothing, not even a grunt. Zip. 

Jim's smile widened. "You have no idea how much you love me, do you?" 

Blair could only shake his head slightly, displaying to himself some measure of control over his own body. Still no words would come out. 

"You love me so much you're ready to tear your whole life apart to save me the pain of not having you. Trust me, Blair, you do love me." 

Stunned, Blair's heart thudded in his chest, his dry mouth worked hard until he could utter, "I do?" 

"Yep. You do." 

"Are you sure?" 

"No doubt about it." And everything about Jim backed up that total conviction. 

"But… how do you know?" 

For an answer, Jim leaned forward and pressed his lips to Blair's forehead. "That's how I know." 

"But Jim…" 

"You said you trusted me. Are you going back on that now?" 

Blair looked up at him, still feeling light-headed, dizzy, as if the world was spinning out of his feeble control. Hell, it was spinning out of his control! "No. But… Jim, I need to understand." 

"Okay." Jim reached out and caressed Blair's face with his fingertips, allowing his own feelings to show so plainly, Blair's tears started anew. "So you don't know what love feels like? Well, maybe you don't - but only because nobody's ever told you that what you're feeling right now is love. You feel so wretched because you don't want to hurt me, you want the best for me, you want me to be happy, you want to love me but you're afraid that you'll fail. You think you should go but the ache inside makes you want to stay. Feel that pain inside you, Blair. Feel it and know that's the anguish somebody who is in love feels when there's no hope. Now," Jim pulled him to his feet and wrapped his arms about Blair, holding him close, burying his face in Blair's hair. "This is what it feels like to hold somebody you love. Does it feel good?" 

"God, yes! So good. Oh, Jim. Don't let go. Ever?" 

"Never, sweetheart. I love you, Blair and you love me." 

"Oh, god," Blair felt another sob tremble through his body. "Do I love you? If I do, why does love feel so terrible?" 

"Because you're hurting right now. But we can stop that. You're hurting because it all seems wrong. But all you have to do is believe you love me and we can be together. That's what I want, baby. I want you, for the rest of my life. You've got me for as long as you want me. Believe, it, Blair. You know I would rather die than lie to you about this. You love me." 

And the sob caught in Blair's throat, broke him and burst out into more tears, flooding his whole being. Jim simply held him, pressing small kisses into his throat, whispering in his ear, just being there, loving him, making it all okay. 

And Blair felt it. Felt the ache in the pit of his stomach, the pain, the agony, the delight, the sheer dizzying joy of knowing the man holding him was in love with him, wanted him, wanted to keep him. And Blair felt the warmth, felt it fill him, envelope him, drive the pain away, right out of him, felt the light in the darkest corners of himself, brought there by the man he trusted enough to believe. 

So, this was what love felt like. 

And if felt wonderful. Better than that. It felt like… nothing he'd ever felt before and much more. Full. Overflowing. Glowing. Bursting and exploding. 

It felt exactly as he'd always hoped it would. 

He pulled Jim closer, feeling the strong hard body encase his own, felt the face turn towards him, wanted the kiss that crushed him and rebuilt him. 

No, he'd never known love. He was sure now. If this was what love felt like, he would have noticed it before, earthshattering as it was. But he hadn't. He'd never been in love before. Wouldn't have wanted to be. Having this once in your life was enough. But at least once was absolutely necessary. And his first time was with Jim. Somehow he just knew that this would also be his last. 

Jim's hands came up to cradle his face, soft kisses left all over his cheeks, his eyes and Blair was taken away with it all, tumbling uncontrollably down a hill of Jim's desire, of his making. And Blair had no intention of stopping now. If this was love - then he wanted it all. With Jim. Every last bit of it. 

So did his body. With Jim so close, his arousal sharpened, his skin shivered, his breath trembled. Love brought all his normal reactions to a blistering peak so quickly all his previous experiences suddenly paled in comparison. "Please, Jim." 

Jim was pressing small kisses to the side of his throat, making him dizzy. "What, love?" 

"Bed?" 

"Now?" 

"Yes, now." 

Jim looked deep into his eyes, nodding slightly, something like a secret smile playing across his lips. When he spoke, the heat his body exuded flowed out with the words. "Yes, Blair, bed - but to sleep only." 

"But…" 

"No, sweetheart. You're too battered and bruised right now, still too hurt. What you need most right now is some rest, sleep." 

Blair was shaking and he knew it, but it wasn't fear that made him so \- it was something else entirely. "Jim, I promise you, sleep is the last thing I want to do right now. God, don't tell me you can't feel it." 

Jim's tongue tantalisingly wet his bottom lip - but still he shook his head, "Yeah, I know what you want. And I want you too. And I think you can feel just how much so I won't bother with the details \- but I mean it. Come on, upstairs with me. Get some sleep and then we'll see what happens." 

And because Blair trusted him, he went along, walking slowly beside him, holding his hand, going up one stairs at a time, so calm it would have been frightening under any other circumstances. Once there, Jim wasted no time. He pulled back the covers and gently but firmly pushed Blair down. Without a word, he laid alongside Blair, wrapping his arms around him and making him feel safer than he'd ever felt before. 

* * *

Jim knew the exact moment when Blair fell asleep - and it made him smile. There were so many advantages to being a sentinel - but rarely did they come as sweet as this. 

It took a lot to impress Jim, and very few things he did managed to impress himself - but this was one of those rare times. Talk about strength! Actually managing to turn down Blair's offer in favour of this? When the heat radiating off Blair's body would have kept Cascade warm for half a winter? 

Yeah, he was impressed. And satisfied - well, emotionally at least. And tired. And… yeah, just a little smug. He could afford it. Just a bit - and he would make sure it was gone in the morning. Right now though, smug felt just fine. 

* * *

It was the sudden breath of cold that woke Blair. Sudden and unfamiliar. He opened his eyes a little - then wider as he saw what lay beside him. The huge dark bulk of his sentinel, fast asleep. The cover was pulled away from both of them and somehow in the night, they'd become separated. 

Blair allowed himself a moment to simply watch the big man, watch and absorb and remember what had been said last night - and what hadn't been done. It was still dark outside but he didn't bother looking at the clock. Didn't care what time it was. 

Jim loved him. 

Loved him. Wanted him. Liked him. Stayed with him. Listened to him. Held him. Slept with him. 

Jim loved him. 

Blair grinned. 

"Do you have any idea how much noise a smile makes?" 

Blair laughed as Jim opened one eye to look at him. "Hey, big guy, are you saying I can't even smile without disturbing you now?" 

"Blair, I hate to say this - but everything about you disturbs me. Mostly in places I don't dare mention in public." 

"Well, that's okay then." 

Jim reached out a hand and brushed a finger over Blair's lips. "How do you feel?" 

"Horny." 

And Blair laughed again as Jim rolled his eyes and shook his head in a gesture he could only interpret as long-held frustration. 

"Horny, eh?" 

"Yeah, very. Wanna do something about it, too." 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. With you. Now." 

"Now?" 

"Right now." 

"This very second?" 

"Well, actually, in about three minutes. I have to go pee." 

An eyebrow lifted, framing a deadpan expression, "Not sure I can wait that long." 

"Try?" Blair put on his best wheedling voice as he sat up and slipped his legs over the bed. "For me? Just this once?" 

"Make it worth my while?" 

"Oh yeah!" And Blair was out and taking the stairs two at a time, revelling in the sound of Jim's chuckling from above. Finished with the bathroom, he came back across the living room, the pale night lights softening the hard planes of the room in a gentle caress. The cool comfort reached out and touched him, making his feet slow, making him pause, his hand on the railing, his foot on the first step. 

This was the moment. He needed to savour it. Needed to live it. Right through, and know what it was. 

They were going to make love. 

He knew it. Jim knew it. They were going to do it and it would be so much more than Blair simply going to bed with a man. 

And there were no hesitations inside him at all. No doubts. No questions. No wall he need to push against. Nothing. There was just Jim, and the soft shadows and Blair. 

Oh, and there was love, too. Yeah, lots of it. 

"Chief?" 

He looked up and found Jim standing above, watching him, his body outlined in moonlight, a haunting melody of that other night, tangling in his mind, making him pull in a breath, hold it and savour again just how glorious this man before him was. 

"You okay, Chief?" 

Though Blair couldn't see Jim's face in the darkness, he knew the expression, the thinly veiled concern. Of course he knew it. He knew Jim, didn't he? Knew that look, that voice, that stance. It was all so familiar. So real. 

"Yeah, Jim, I'm fine." Blair whispered, a smile growing from somewhere deep inside him. "I love you." 

And then he wished he hadn't said it because he really missed seeing the look on Jim's face the first time he said the words, himself. But then, he kind of didn't miss it because it all came out in Jim's voice, the timbre low, a little rough at the edges, coarse and weighty. 

"You do?" 

"Yeah, I do." 

A swallow then, a slight shift of the massive shoulders, weight transferred from one foot to the other, a hand meeting the railing as though it would connect him to Blair. "Well, could you…" 

"What?" 

"I was just thinking that if you really do love me…" 

"Yeah?" 

"Do you think if you came up here, you might still love me?" 

Blair could only smile. He rose, one step at a time, never taking his gaze from Jim, never losing contact with the railing until his hand met Jim's. Then, his lips barely moving, he whispered, "I want you." 

"Want you, too." A catch in the voice, a little wild, filled with need. 

Blair took that last step until his body touched the length of Jim's. "Then take me, Jim. Turns out I'm all yours." 

Jim nodded, swallowing hard again, "You just tell me… if you change your mind… I don't want to do anything you don't want to do." 

"Then we'll be fine. I won't change my mind and I want to do anything you want to do." 

At that, Jim wrapped his arms around Blair, drawing him back towards the bed, his hands roving down Blair's back to cup his buttocks. His gaze was steady once more, though a little fevered at the edges. Blair liked that look. Liked the fact that he was the cause of it. 

"Blair, are you sure? Really sure you want to do this? I mean, we don't have to rush it. We can take our time. You know, actually sleep together all night. I want that, too. We don't have to make love. When I asked you if you would give yourself to me…" 

"I will." 

"I didn't mean that you had to do it right now. I was just trying to make sure you really did love me." 

"I will and I do." Blair reached up and pulled that face towards him, let the raging coals inside him catch alight, letting the fire burn him with its fierceness. All hesitation inside him was gone, drowned by that fire; his doubts along with it. From this place, he knew this was right, exactly right, just as it should be. Jim had seen the truth, had guided Blair to it and now it was time they were joined as one, as they were meant to be. 

They broke apart breathless. "I meant it, Jim. I've never done it before. I think I wanted to save it for the man I loved. That's you. Please, Jim. I want to give myself to you, I want you inside me." 

Jim threw back his head as though he was trying to contain himself - and then he pushed Blair back onto the bed, staying off it himself. He left moist kisses along Blair's throat, teased a nipple until it was hard, sending Blair arching up into his touch. His body was on fire, drinking in every touch of this wonderful man. He'd never felt like this before - not with any woman he'd been with - and certainly not with Dave. No, this was so different. So amazing. Yeah, he was in love. It had to be love. Anything less was impossible. 

Jim's hands stroked his skin, causing his flesh to ripple. Every hair on his body was electrified, a driving current threading it's way through him, making him tremble. Every touch had Jim's tongue follow it, moist and slick, hot and hungry, down to his boxers. Gently, carefully, Jim drew them down and off until Blair laid before him, naked. Then Jim removed his own boxers and Blair caught sight of the man before him, magnificent and seriously aroused. Blair had never felt so wanted before in all his life. 

Jim sighed, longing emerging with the soft noise. "God, baby you are so beautiful. You don't know how many hours I've spent dreaming of this. I love you so much." And Jim bent his head to touch his tongue to Blair's cock. Already weeping, it flinched up, desperate for more of that mouth. Blair moaned and Jim licked again, his hands reaching down further to cup aching balls, fingers lightly touching the rigid shaft. "Want to taste you." 

"Oh, yes!" Blair breathed - then stopped breathing altogether as he was engulfed in Jim's mouth. His hips bucked off the bed and Jim held him, sucking deep, hands moving beneath him, feeling the cleft of his ass. Blair was dizzy now, lack of oxygen and everything else driving all thought from him. If he could die now… no, not yet. 

He was close. Terribly close, his whole body writhing in need, alight, gasping and desperate - but he didn't want to come just yet. "Please, Jim, do it now. Want to feel you in me. Want to touch you. Please, Jim. Want you to come inside me. Want us to be completely together. Need you." 

Jim let the cock fall from his mouth and stretched over Blair, kissing flesh again until he could devour Blair's mouth. The taste of Jim swallowed Blair's attention, rough and hard, hot and searing, wanting lips, slick tongue rasping against his own, demanding and pleasing. Blair took the opportunity to touch Jim, his back covered in a fine layer of sweat, muscles rigid beneath. His hands moved on, creating their own dizzying pattern until they could caress the erection pressed against his stomach. The ache inside him was truly painful now and he really needed this bad. He stroked Jim, revelling in the hardness of him, the size, the maleness. Yeah, he wanted it. Wanted Jim. 

Groaning at his touch, Jim let his tongue glide the length of Blair's throat, the warmth penetrating Blair as no other ever had. "God, baby, I need you, too. I belong to you." 

Tearing himself away for a moment, Jim returned and slid off Blair a little. His hand moved down again but this time Blair could feel it at his ass, a cool finger probing the entrance to his body. Without thinking, he spread his legs, easing himself down into the touch. He could feel the lube, feel the finger press into him, wanting it there, wanting it inside him. 

Carefully, Jim rolled him onto his side, bringing his knees up to gain better access. He grabbed pillows and put them beneath Blair's head. The finger inside him now moved around, driving Blair insane. Then another joined it, stretching him, making him get used to it. All the while, Jim kissed his neck, his shoulders, his back. "Take it easy, baby. I won't hurt you, I promise. Only if you want it." 

"I want it, Jim. I want you." 

"Need you to be ready to take me, so you don't hurt." 

"I know, I know, just need you in me." 

And a third finger joined the others and Blair almost came. The feeling was amazing, only vaguely painful at first, and then just wonderful. The closeness, the intimacy of the act blinded him utterly. Jim stretched him carefully, lovingly until Blair was riding a cloud of pure pleasure, buoyed by the knowledge that this was Jim doing this to him. His Jim. His now and always. Then abruptly, the fingers were gone. 

"Ready, baby?" 

"Yeah, oh yeah. Now." 

Jim slipped off the bed, drawing Blair down until his ass rested on the edge. He got between parted legs and ran his fingers lightly over the erection facing him. Then he lifted trembling legs over his shoulders and positioned himself at the entrance to Blair's body. "Give me your hand, love." Jim took Blair's hand and wrapped it around his cock. "Guide me inside you." 

And Blair thought he would burst with love. Slowly, gently, Jim eased into him, so carefully, he caused no pain at all. And Blair led him to it, his hand feeling the hard cock penetrating his ass, curious fingers touching all he could, felt himself stretch wide to accommodate Jim's size, watching Jim's eyes as he watched what he was doing, seeing the passion and love flowing from every move Jim made. And then he was penetrated fully, Jim filling him to the hilt and Blair reached for him, wanting that mouth, wanting those kisses, feeling how wonderful and completely right and so damned perfect this was. Tears began to fall again as Jim moved inside him, slowly, making it good, keeping his moans soft and for Blair's ears alone. 

"God, baby, so beautiful, so sexy." 

"You too," Blair murmured, moving down onto the shaft piercing him. It was unbelievable feeling so joined to Jim, the completion of the connection they'd always shared, taking it so much deeper than he'd thought possible. This was what making love meant. Feeling this connection, wanting it, drowning in it. For the first time, Blair began to understand how Jim felt when he zoned. 

"So hot, so tight. Can't believe you saved this." 

"For you, Jim, for you. The first and only." 

"I love you, Blair." And Jim was kissing him again, his thrusts getting wilder, less controlled. Blair moved with him, hands pressing Jim's ass, urging him on. From the depths of his being his climax approached, warning him, readying him, readying Jim. 

Jim's hands found his cock, pulled it hard, stroking him inside and out. Hot kisses tore across his face and he couldn't wait any longer. He arched off the bed and into Jim's hand, pushing the cock further into him. He cried Jim's name as the love flooded out of him, all over them both. Before he was done, he felt Jim thrust again and fill him with that same love, burst after burst, hot and complete, deep inside him. 

Gasping and empty, they collapsed together. For long, long moments, neither of them moved and dialogue seemed entirely superfluous. Then Jim was kissing him again, softly, carefully. "You okay?" 

"No." Blair breathed. 

Jim started, lifting his head to look with unveiled concern into Blair's eyes. 

"Did I hurt you?" 

Blair smiled, "No." 

"But you're not okay?" 

"No." Blair kissed him lightly, "Much, much, much better than okay. Okay doesn't even come close. Not even the next galaxy - but way, way out there, so far beyond what I'm feeling right now that it doesn't even belong in the same universe." 

Jim laughed and shook his head, "Jesus, Blair, you're enough to make a man wonder." 

"About what?" 

"About why it is he never did this before." 

"Don't." Blair replied, suddenly serious. He reached up and touched his fingers to Jim's lips. "If this is forever, then let's move forward. The only things that matter are what happens now and in the future." 

Jim nodded. "And you're sure I didn't hurt you?" 

"But you will when you slip out of me." 

"Yeah, well about that…" 

Blair was puzzled for a moment - until he realised… "You're not going down?" 

"Seems you're just too much for me, baby." 

Blair grinned. "Does that mean… again?" 

"Only if you want…" 

"Jim? New vocabulary. For the moment - and until I tell you otherwise \- let's just assume that what you want is what I want? At least while we're in bed. Okay?" 

"Okay," Jim laughed, "it's just that, I was kind of hoping that…" 

"That what?" 

"Well, we don't have to do it tonight - but I thought you might like to return the favour." 

"Me take you?" Blair opened his eyes wide. "Are you sure?" 

"As sure as you were." 

"But…" 

Jim stifled any further doubts Blair might have voiced with another deep kiss. When Blair's mouth was his own again, he smiled into those ice-blue eyes, "Okay. You win: you are sure. Tomorrow." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, really," Blair snuggled in closer, feeling with delight the still-hard cock in his ass. He didn't want to let go of it until he was good and ready. In response, Jim shifted slightly, sending wonderful shivers from his ass to his throat. "Want to keep you inside me for the moment. Don't want you to go, okay?" 

"Not going anywhere, baby." 

"Jim?" 

"Yes, sweetheart?" Jim was nuzzling him again, and Blair found his own cock already twitching in response, his body undulating against Jim's, all ready wanting more. 

"One of those rare moments." 

"Which?" 

"When you turn out to be right and I'm wrong." 

"Oh? How?" 

"I do love you." 

Blair could feel the face at his throat drift into a smile, "Yes, I know. Maybe you'll learn to listen to me more often." 

"Nah," Blair laughed - then yelped as Jim nipped him. "You might start thinking you know more than me and I'm sorry, we just can't have that." 

"It's in the house rules." 

"It is?" 

"That's right," Jim chuckled, "right under where it's written 'No sex in the loft'." 

Blair pulled him tighter and stole a kiss, "Sorry, never read any further than that." 

"No kidding." Jim's eyes were kind of shining at him and for a moment, Blair thought he saw something like a tear forming. But then Jim spoke, "I do love you so much, Blair." 

"Yeah, and I love you." Blair smiled and let his hands begin work again. "Man, this love thing is so cool!" 

* * *

Jim came gently awake as a soft glow of cloudy morning light filled the bedroom. Instantly he remembered why his arms were filled with the delightful body of his guide. He inhaled deeply of the scent so necessary to his continued existence and lazily drifted back over last night, from the dinner, to Blair's tears to their unbelievable love-making. 

More amazingly, more perfect than anything else was the simple - and now undeniable fact - that Blair loved him. 

Warm and comfortable both inside and out, Jim shifted a little until he could see Blair's face where it lay on the pillow next to him. Their legs were entangled together, Jim's arm around Blair's waist, fingers gently brushing the small of his back. Blair was still asleep and Jim couldn't take his eyes from that beautiful face so serene in repose. His hair was tangled but brushed away from his face and Jim joyfully recalled the feel of it in his hands, the way it seemed to move of its own accord, seemed just as much a part of this man as anything else. 

Best way to wake up in the morning. In the arms of the man he loved. Jim sighed with enormous content. 

Blair opened his eyes. They focussed on Jim instantly - and Blair smiled, sweeping the breath from Jim in that one moment. A blinding smile that scorched a path straight to his heart. 

"Morning." 

"Yeah," was all Jim could manage for a second. 

"Were you watching me?" 

"Uh huh." The smile got bigger and Jim chuckled softly. God, this was good. So good. "Any objections?" 

"No way, man. You can watch me all you like. Whenever you like." 

"Mmn, now that sounds interesting." 

Blair let out a short laugh and snuggled up closer, pressing as much of his body against Jim's as he could. "Man, you are insatiable!" 

"Does that mean you're complaining?" 

"Read my lips," Blair pressed a kiss against Jim's cheek. "I love you. There, two senses for the price of one. Believe it?" 

"I guess I have to now." Jim grinned and pulled Blair closer until Blair's head was against his shoulder, his face cushioned by soft curls. "How do you feel?" 

"Great." 

"Not sore?" 

"Um, I might be when I get up. Not at the moment though." 

"Well, I'll be surprised if you aren't. I mean, twice was bad enough \- but three times? In one night?" 

"Well, you would have to go and tell me your favourite Blair fantasy. What else could I do but suggest we act it out?" 

The scent of Blair and sex drifting deliciously in the air, Jim shook his head, letting his voice drop suggestively, "Well, we didn't exactly act it all out, did we? Not entirely properly. Only the shower scene." 

"Yeah," Blair sighed, his voice husky, "the shower scene. I never knew soap could feel so erotic." 

Instantly, Jim's head was filled with the sights and sounds of last night, of making love to Blair in the shower, of Blair going down on his knees, of Blair's mouth on his cock, of Blair turned to face the wall, his ass stuck out begging to be taken, the feel of Blair's passage on his cock, of Blair's body pushing back wanting more, deeper, harder, of Blair's cock in his hand, of Blair's voice going hoarse with passion and love… 

"Jim? Still with me?" 

Realising he could almost zone on memory alone, Jim blinked. "Yeah." 

He could hear Blair's smile in his voice, "What were you thinking about?" 

"Last night. In the shower. Tasting you as you came down my throat. You." 

"Good." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

Jim pressed a kiss to the top of Blair's head, "Good. I love you, Blair. So much, it amazes me I didn't realise it before." 

"When did you realise it?" 

"The day I kicked you out." 

"Oh." 

Jim frowned a little and shifted until he could see his guide's face. "You'll never know how sorry I am about that - but I was just so damned jealous. That you could go and sleep with some guy - and it wasn't me …. I just couldn't deal with it." 

"It didn't matter when you thought I was straight?" 

"Well, probably - but then it never occurred to me that we could be together like this. Up until then I was happy that we were as together as we were. And then you were gone and all I could think about that whole day was how much I missed you and how you were just so much a part of my life I wasn't sure I could simply give you up because you'd fallen for some man I didn't even know. I was an idiot to do that to you, but I was a little thrown." 

"A little thrown?" Blair enquired with half a smile. "I'd hate to see you a lot thrown." 

"I'm sorry." 

Blair lifted his head and kissed Jim slowly and deliberately. "Jim, no more apologies, okay? If you throwing me out brought us here, to this bed, together - then I don't mind, okay?" 

"I suppose." 

"No, Jim, I mean it. What we have is wonderful and I want it to start like that. No self-flagellation. It all ended up good so let's go with it, okay?" 

"Okay." Jim took another kiss, this time letting Blair know just how okay it was with his whole body. He felt Blair's body respond, their cocks brushing together, hard and willing. "Oh, Blair, you are so wonderful. I'm never going to let you go." 

"No, you aren't. I'll make sure of that. Now, about what you said last night? About me returning the favour?" 

"Oh, yeah," Jim began to kiss his way down Blair's throat, allowing his hands to move and capture Blair's erection. The rigid shaft thrust eagerly into his hand, accompanied by a moan from the man's mouth. Blair rolled back on the bed to allow Jim access and Jim let his tongue make a trail down to one nipple, lapping at it until it was a hard wanting nub. 

The phone rang. 

"Damn!" Jim swore and made no move to answer it. It didn't stop. "Hell!" Leaving Blair for a moment, he rolled over and grabbed the phone, trying not to notice as Blair followed him and began an assault on his body. "Ellison." 

"Ah, hi. Is Blair around?" 

"Who's calling?" Jim asked, desperately keeping his voice as steady as he could as Blair wilfully took his cock into his mouth. Jim nearly squealed. 

"Dave." 

"Oh?" Jim smiled, feeling very warm in a number of places - mostly the places where Blair was concentrating his attention. Blair was watching him as he suckled slowly and Jim met the gaze. "And you want to talk to Blair?" 

"That's right. Is he there?" 

For a second, Jim was tempted to say exactly where Blair was - but discretion won out in the end. "Well, he is and he isn't." 

"What does that mean?" 

"He is here but he doesn't want to talk to you." 

Dave wavered between disbelief and concern. "Why not?" 

"Well, it's just that, since you left, he's met this guy and well, he's fallen in love and will be getting married in a short while so I guess it's over between you two, okay?" 

"Look, I'd really like to talk to Blair." 

"He's busy," Jim was having a hard time not laughing - and not groaning at what Blair was doing to him. Just watching that mouth work on him had brought him to the edge very quickly. 

"I don't know who you are, but…" 

"I'm the guy he fell in love with," Jim replied, his breath shortening, wishing the phone thing would just go away. 

"I really want to talk to Blair. Now!" 

"Okay," Jim had no will left and held the phone out. "Blair, Dave wants to talk to you." 

Blair rolled his eyes and reluctantly let Jim's cock slip from his mouth. He spoke into the phone without touching it, his eyes never leaving Jim's. "Hi, Dave. Yes… I know… Look, it was great, but, what Jim said was true…. Yes, I suppose so, but really, I do love him and we are together. I'm sorry but you know, what we had was pretty casual…. Yes, I'm sure I love him… Yes, I'm very happy…. Thanks, Dave. Maybe I'll see you around. Okay. Yeah, see you." 

Blair instantly went from phone conversation back to sucking Jim's cock. At the same time, he slipped a slick finger into Jim's tight hole. Jim barely had enough strength left to put the phone back before Blair sucked deep and hard. Jim arched up into that wonderful mouth and before he knew it, he was coming in huge waves, groaning with each. The moment he was finished, he hauled Blair back up the bed and kissed him deeply, tasting himself on Blair's lips, mixed in with Blair's own wetness. 

"God, baby!" 

"Like that?" Blair smiled. "I was worried you might find phone sex a little kinky." 

"Oh, is that what phone sex is?" Jim laughed. 

"You mean it isn't?" Blair asked, all innocence. 

Jim kissed him again and took one of his hands. Firmly now, he trailed it down his body and between his parted legs. Eagerly, Blair's fingers brushed across the entrance to Jim's body as their gazes met. 

"Are you sure, Jim?" 

"Very. Are you?" 

"What?" 

"Sure? What you said to Dave? About being happy? Are you?" 

Blair gave him a hesitant smile, looking almost bashful, "Jim, man, I know this is all really weird and everything, but yes, I'm happy. Really happy. Like we were always supposed to be like this, sentinel and guide, you know? You and me. Always heading towards this. I'm sorry Dave was the first man who kissed me and not you - but you were the first man who took me and I'm glad of that. Don't you think it's weird?" 

"Yeah, sure. But I don't care. Just as long as you're happy, sweetheart, I'm happy. Now, I need to know if you really want to do me." 

"Oh, I do, very much." 

"But?" 

"But nothing. The only problem is time." 

"Why?" 

"Well, it's already getting late and we both have to go to work this morning. I don't want to rush this, you know. I'd like to take my time." 

"Sure - except that we don’t have to go to work this morning." 

"We don't?" Blair brightened visibly. 

"No. It's Saturday." 

Slowly, the truth dawned on Blair and he closed his eyes, shaking his head. "Do you know, it was only a week since you threw me out?" 

"One week?" 

"Yeah." 

"God!" 

"Yeah!" 

Blair opened his eyes, catching Jim utterly with the depth of his gaze. "So, I guess, I'll be able to take all the time I want." 

His heart thudding with anticipation, his cock already responding to the promise in those eyes, Jim nodded. "Please." 

"Okay," Blair moved closer again, his hand pressing against Jim's hole. "In that case, let me tell you my favourite Jim Ellison fantasy." 

"God, baby, I love you so much," Jim whispered, awed, a little scared by the depth of his feelings - but indescribably happy. 

"And I love you, Jim," Blair murmured, his dark gaze serious. "I think now I might have loved you from the start - but since I didn't know what love was, I just couldn't see it." 

"And now you know?" Jim raised his eyebrows. 

"Yes, Jim. I know now. I guess, it was never just about friendship. It was always about love." 

"Yeah," Jim smiled, holding Blair close. "It was always about love." 

* * *

End About Love.


End file.
